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Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Zombie Hordes

This is a one act play I wrote over the winter. It doesn't have vampires either, but if I expand it to full length (as I did with Night of the B Movie) There's a good chance I would add a vampire character. Probably as a Jack the Ripper/vampire. 

Act I
Scene I

Lights up

Sherlock Holmes and Watson sitting in what is apparently the living room of their flat at 221B Baker Street.

Watson is flipping through a newspaper and Holmes is reading a thick book and smoking a pipe.

WATSON: I say Holmes what do you make of all this dismemberment business?

HOLMES: I would say that it appears to be the work of the Watasan tribe of the Congo; part of their warrior ritual is tearing their victims limb from limb with their bare hands and consuming their brains. The latter supposedly infuses them with the essence of their victims giving them a stronger life force.

WATSON: Well I dare say you’re right as usual old boy, but this here newspaper account says eyewitnesses described the attackers as disheveled, pale and shambling Eastenders. Hardly how one would describe a blood thirsty savage from the Congo.

HOLMES: My goodfellow those newspaper men or ‘reporters’ as they’re apt to be called these days are all opium addicts who wouldn’t know a dangling participle from a Watasan brave if it was doing a jig on the end of their nose.

WATSON: The brave or the participle?

HOLMES: Either or frankly.

WATSON: Just the same shouldn’t we do something about it?

HOLMES: Us? Hardly our thing old bean, I’d say it’s more in immigration’s line, maybe they’ll smarten up now; they do let anyone in the country these days.

WATSON: Well I should hope so, terrible business this if you ask me.

Their bell rings.

Enter Mrs. Hudson.

HOLMES: Mrs. Hudson, to what do we owe the pleasure?

MRS. HUDSON: I’ll have none of your cheekiness this morning, Mr. Holmes, Dr. Watson (she nods to Watson).

WATSON: Mrs. Hudson.

HOLMES: What’s so pressing a business that my tea must be interrupted, albeit by our charming landlady, who if I’m not mistaken has taken up the pipe, is distraught over the wilting appearance of her African violets and has lost her favourite cat Mister Muggles?

WATSON: You never cease to amaze me Holmes.

MRS. HUDSON: (she says sarcastically) Yes very good Mr. Holmes, I only just told you all of that yesterday evening, what a deduction.

HOLMES: Elementary logic my dear Mrs. Hudson.

MRS. HUDSON: No it’s not I just told you-

WATSON: Your analytical powers are truly astounding Holmes.

HOLMES: Thank you Watson, but onto more pressing matters, since Mrs. Hudson grows impatient.

WATSON: Brilliant observation old man.

HOLMES: Quite. So Mrs. Hudson out with it, how may I be of service?

MRS. HUDSON: (she sighs) It’s that Inspector Lestrade Mr. Holmes, he’s sent word to come right away, says he’s deathly ill and needs your brains.

HOLMES: Lestrade asking for our help, damned peculiar, eh Watson?

WATSON: What do you make of it Holmes?

HOLMES: If I’m not mistaken our Inspector Lestrade has fallen deathly ill and requires our assistance.

MRS. HUDSON: I just said he was!

HOLMES: Don’t trouble yourself Mrs. Hudson, things that are apparent to me are often mystifying to others.

MRS. HUDSON: Or for crying out loud, you pomp-

WATSON: I suppose we had better go then hadn’t we?

HOLMES: Not just yet Watson. Mrs. Hudson did the message from Lestrade state that he needed my assistance specifically or both mine and Watson’s?

MRS.HUDSON: (she sighs again) He said, come right away need some brains urgently.


  1. WOW! What a great addition to el mundo vampirismo you are. It's crazy the way the web works. We're all imbedded in this cheese and have to burrow around like maggots trying to find one another. I really enjoy your 'product.' Read an assortment. Commented here because it just opened up as I went by. I'm fed up with the Abercrombie & Fang brand of life-eater too. I gather we're both in need of professional representation. Ever suspect that getting one has relatively little to do with talent or professionalism, but relies more on having the right uncles and cousins? I don't know????? If you like, sublimate into my part of the forest. Step into the VAMPIREWONDERLAND and meld with an assorted band of pixilated individualists, who view themselves as earthly manifestations of The Angel of Death, out to 'cull' evil and make the world a nicer place. They enjoy everything from gambling in Atlantic City to writing new Books for The Bible. Come pull up a chair and share an aroma candle. If you know a bit of Old Vahmpeerigo (their own, early, Romance Language dialect) that would be a big plus. If not, fake it with a lot of syrupy Spanish. They won't mind. hit Some of our group is away on an Old World Quest, but I'm sure that 'Papa' would love to receive you. VAMPIREWONDERLAND.....if it was in book form, we'd already have more than 450 pages. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO LEAVE COMMENT. Tell our readers about your projects too. I know they'd enjoy it.

  2. Hey - thanks for the comment, and I like the Abercrombie and Fang allusion. I will check out Vampire Wonderland.
    Regarding representation, I used to have an agent in L.A (I won't name her, but it was Coast to Coast talent) and I never felt that the work that I put into landing an agent was worth it. I took meetings at Showtime and various production companies in Hollywood before I had an agent. At Showtime I didn't get the deal but at the time they said if we did do something together the they would get me an agent to handle it. So you're better off, I firmly believe, pushing your work then use an agent when needed (you won't have any trouble finding one then).
    Yes there's a lot of nepotism in publishing, which is part of the reason traditional publishing is failing. But it's never been better for independent publishers, people are looking for new creative work and they're not finding that through traditional channels.
    I remember in 2000 when Harry Potter was exploding I was talking with a girl who worked at Random House and she told me there was no market for children's books. I guess that explains why Scholastic landed one of the biggest books of the century.
    The point being traditional media is consistently missing the boat, they are already scrambling to catch up with the surge in ebook popularity.