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Friday, 22 June 2012

The Zombie apocalypse is here! Here are 5 ways to survive it.

Well another deranged homeless man was found munching on a random passerby in Florida. The attacker was described as slow moving, unintelligible with a ravenous appetite for human flesh.

Come on people who are we kidding here? The zombies are rising, tell me the recent attacks don't sound like the opening to the latest George A. Romero opus. So do you want to bury your head in the sand until the undead hordes are banging at your door or do you want to be proactive and be prepared for the coming undead world order?

Obviously you chose the latter since that means A not only a chance at surviving but also B the opportunity to kill zombies.

So here's what you need to do, don't take the following advice lightly, it can save your life and the lives of all those you hold dear.

#1 Get a 4x4 truck. I know people expect get a weapon first or get food supplies first, but they'd be wrong, get your means of escape organized first, and it should be a sturdy 4x4 that can hold lots of supplies. Preferably a diesel, since you're going to need the fuel mileage (don't forget to get lots of fuel gerry cans you're going to need those too). "What about a Prius I hear they get great mileage?" Some of you might ask, and to you I say just put a bullet in your head now it will be faster. A Prius, are you fucking kidding me? You're going to go home and say, "hey honey it's the end of the world but it's okay I got a Prius." Is that what you're going to tell your wife, the mother of your children? No of course not you're going to tell her you ditched the minivan and picked up a Range Rover Defender then you're going to tell her to get her cute ass moving because you guys are gettin' the hell out of Dodge, while the gettin's good, then worked the pump action on your shot gun just for effect.

#2 Of course in order to work the pump action on your shot gun, you need to posses a shot gun first. Shot guns are the best firearm when it comes to zombie home defense, they don't have to be pump action, but how are you going to do those cool one handed cocks if it's a semi-automatic? That's right and you know you want to, because even though she's a chick Linda Hamilton looked totally badass doing it in Terminator 2. And since it's the end of the world as we know it you definitely want to look somewhat badass.
Other good weapon choices are lever action carbines, a good 7mm rifle (good flat trajectory) and a colt python or other high caliber revolver. But don't just rely on firearms, they run out of ammo and noise attracts more zombies. You definitely need lots of blunt force or edged weapons: spiked baseball bats, hatches, axes, sharpened spades, tire irons, machetes and if you know how to use one, a sword.
Also don't forget alternative projectile weapons: spearguns, throwing stars, heavy spikes and of course a crossbow and/or composite bow.

#3 Food and supplies this one is pretty simple - go to camping store, but as much freeze dried food as you can. Then go to the store and buy as many can goods or anything dry that just requires (at the most) adding water. You're also going to need camp stoves (get lots of extra propane) flashlights, lanterns, solar powered battery chargers (portable solar panels not a bad idea, just don't get a freaking Prius dumbass), portable generators and lots and lots of containers for holding water. When the apocalypse hits you're suddenly going to find out that now that you can longer pick up a bottle of water at the local store or even turn on the tap water is going to be a pretty precious commodity. Let me put this in perspective, you can survive a month easy without food, you won't survive much longer than three days without water. And let me tell you, running from zombies is a good way to get dehydrated fast.
And lastly don't forget lots and lots of seeds. That's right, eventually things will settle down and you're going to want something that isn't freeze dried or canned and there will only be one option, grow it yourself, so seeds will be very handy.

#4 Hideout, so you got your getaway vehicle, you're heavily armed and well supplied but where ya going to run to, huh, where? First of all, no brainer, you want to get out of a city. Obviously the more concentrated the population the more infected there will be. Also conventional wisdom holds that zombies do worse in the cold and since this outbreak is beginning in Miami it looks like there's some truth to that, so head north.
Ideally you want a heavily constructed log cabin on top of a grassy hill with good views in all directions. wait let me rephrase that, ideally you want a castle with sheer 30 foot thick rock walls with a moat around it and a heavy iron gate for an entrance, but barring that take the log cabin. can't find a log cabin take a remote farmhouse or if you're lucky a lighthouse or if you're really lucky, one of those houses built into an old water tower or alternatively one of those homes built out of an old missile silo (seriously they're out there, but the people that build those sorts of homes are serious about survival so probably really well armed).

#5 Who to take? This can be a tough one if you're not a complete misanthrope like myself. For me the decision is easy, I'll take my trusty dog (because there's know better alarm system and he never interrupts me). If anyone else wants a lift in my well provisioned range rover and a bunk in my secret hideaway they better offer up something more than love, affection and familial relations.
If you're a guy you need to be physically fit, able to shoot and smart enough not to get me killed but dumb enough to take orders. If you're a woman...well just add all the above plus attractiveness and you're in (homemaking skills wouldn't hurt either).



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