Friday, 21 December 2012
Why doesn't Middle earth have undead, vampires and zombies as we do here on our plane of existence? Many Lord of the Rings fans have asked over the years. The answer of course is that they did and still do, J.R.R Tolkien just never got to that part of the history of Middle Earth, or, as some have suggested, it was just too terrifying to relate to readers of the day.
Now The Loneliest Vampire Blog brings that dark saga to light. But consider yourself forewarned these are tales of terror and horror not lighthearted, adventurous romps. Ironically Bilbo Baggins began his fight against the undead while on his first adventure, as told by Tolkien in 'There and Back Again' a.k.a 'The Hobbit' but left out this element out of his saga, again, perhaps because he felt readers in his day just weren't ready for it.
To be continued...
Sunday, 25 November 2012
So this Cyber Monday download a copy of The Loneliest Vampire in NYC for your own enjoyment or for the whole family (as long as the family is into graphic sex and violence). No brooding monosyllabic vampires or asexual love interests here, no just rollicking good fun in the age old tale of good versus evil, time travel, parallel universes, sorcery and dating.
Now at low, low holiday prices, why? Because we care (actually we don't we just want to sell a boat load of books, get a movie deal and move to Hawaii).
Available wherever books are sold online:
Wednesday, 31 October 2012
There was a bunch of us and we went to the old Hyland mansion where they're always shooting movies or TV shows, especially if it's something creepy because Hyland is a big old creepy place.
It was built by someone who made a lot of money about a hundred years ago in sugar or shipping or whatever; the point is he came out west, made a pile of cash and built Hyland for his second wife. But then she went and fell in love with one of the trapeze artists from the travelling circus and ran off with the fellow. So the other guy, the rich guy, he up and kills himself, .44 Colt, to the heart (back then they shot for the heart, not the brain when it came to killing yourself).
So there's a bunch of us and we figure, hey let's sneak into Hyland, which is owned by some charity group now, Women for a Better Tomorrow, well that's not even close, but you get what I mean. It's something completely useless for women with too much money who want to have an excuse to get together and have elaborate teas.
But I guess they make some money renting the place out, and it is a pretty impressive pile of bricks, neo-classical I think they call it. It has that creeping vine growing all over it and big limestone columns out front, and all oak paneling and whatnot inside.
There's not much security to the place just a big iron gate across the driveway; there's a wall around part of the property and when I say a wall, I mean a twelve-foot concrete wall, not a border of garden stones. But at the back of the property there's a stand of trees, huge maples with branches that hang way out over the back lane, but no fence.
There used to be a security guard, but maybe the Ladies' Auxiliary or whomever they are got tired of paying for him and figured the movie/TV people should just pay for security if they needed it.
So we snuck into the place because there wasn't any movie/TV people there that night and it was the kind of dark autumn night that you and a few friends might get the idea to sneak into a place like Hyland if you'd had a couple and had a pretty good idea you could do it and getaway with it, but still have a bit of a thrill in doing so just the same.
Because besides being big and creepy it was haunted. People were forever going on about all the ghosts residing in Hyland. Not just the ghost of the suicidal owner, no there was several generations of people who had died untimely and somewhat grisly deaths within the walls of Hyland.
There was a reason the place was owned by the Women's Tea and Crumpets Society and just rented it out for filming, I mean the place had a reputation and because of city heritage codes it couldn't be torn down.
So there it stood, big and creepy and haunted and we’d just snuck inside through a second story window (they did lock the doors and yes we broke a window pane to get in).
Well now what we thought? The girls giggled a bit and it was dark (we at least had the sense to bring a flashlight) and after a moment or two we felt kind of sheepish standing there in the upstairs bedroom next to a window we’d just smashed.
But he house didn’t disappoint, it was just a short while later that we heard a door slam somewhere down in the dark below us. Pretty loud too, one of the girls, Kelsey I think, screamed and then we all laughed nervously. Finally Mike goes, “well we came this far lets check it out,” or words to that effect. And certainly none of the other guys wanted to chicken out and even the girls were pretty game, except for Kelsey, but she wasn’t about to head back out across that dark lawn and back through those towering maple trees alone, so that was that and we all headed down together.
It was dark, not pitch black but darker than we thought it would be and of course the stairs creaked like hell and we probably all wished someone would just say, “on second thoughts let’s head back,” so we could just agree with them, but no one did and we got down the stairs and into the grand foyer.
At that point we had to choose, to either side of us were large wooden archways leading to dark cavernous rooms, there were windows but the house sat so far back from the road not much light from street reached the house.
“Okay I think that’s good, I don’t need to see a ghost after all, said another one of the girls, Betsy I think. Then we heard glass break above us, no one screamed this time in fact no one made a sound.
We were too terrified to make a sound. But we could hear plenty. We’d stood still as gravestones in the dark after the sound of the glass breaking - I think all of us hoping if we were quiet enough we could just will ourselves out of that dark creepy house.
But no, a moment or two later we heard the unmistakable sound of creaking floorboards, advancing in the corridor above us, then at the head of the stairs, a slight pause, then descending, down the stairs towards us.
That did it, we bolted but not together we split left and right, that is except for poor Kelsey, she was rooted to the spot too terrified to move.
Eventually she did scream and it wasn't a scream of fright but one complete terror. But we weren’t going back for her. I dashed through the house stumbled over furniture, crashed into doors, I couldn’t tell if something was actually chasing me or if I was just so scared I thought there was, I do remember thinking that at any second a hand was going to grab me in the dark and then...
Somehow I found myself in the kitchen, surprised to see I still had Betsy in tow, we had no idea where the others went, we just wanted away from the footsteps and whatever made Kelsey scream.
I could barely make anything out (Mike had the flashlight) but once my heart slowed a bit and didn’t feel like it was going to burst out of my chest, I was able to take stock of the surroundings.
That’s when I noticed the door, a glass door to a porch off the kitchen and beyond the beckoning lawn. And as if to spur me, from somewhere back in the gloom was a loud thump, the type of thump a body makes hitting the floor. I looked at Betsy, she’d heard it too. We expected another scream, but worse, it was silent.
Except not quite, there was something else, it was a slithering sound, I don’t how else to explain it, other than not only did it sound inhuman, it sounded unlike anything even remotely animal like.
When something goes bump in the night maybe you wake up, maybe you investigate and laugh it off. This was not that sound this was the sound that told you to run screaming from the premises without looking back.
Then it got worse.
We heard, much louder this time, the sound of something cracking, the sound of something cracking that was wrapped in something soft, like the sound of bones covered in flesh cracking for instance.
Finally Betsy screamed, loud and long, I grabbed something, it was a pot, and threw it at the window. It bounced, I scrambled looking for something with any weight to throw. Betsy had stopped screaming but clung to my shirt making it that much harder to find something in the dark.
We froze, the footsteps were approaching again, it was impossible to tell from where, just from back there, back in the dark where Kelsey screamed, things slithered and bones cracked, and they were coming towards us.
I scrambled again, opening cupboards, a big black rat jumped out at me and ran off, it barely phased me, I was listening for the footsteps, they were closer.
I felt something that had heft and pulled out an iron skillet and flung it at the glass door. Out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw a shadow advance on us, I jumped through the shards of the glass door and out on to the porch, down the stairs and across the lawn sprinting for the trees.
I swear they started to close in, the beautiful towering maples suddenly menacing jagged black creatures. But I ran through them, branches tearing at me, out to the lane and down to the street. Then, panting under a streetlight, the sound of my heart pounding in my ears, only then did I realize Betsy wasn’t with me.
Did I go back? Come on, would you?
No one else made it out and until now I’ve never talked about it, a bunch of kids went missing, nobody knows where to and I had nothing to add, nothing useful anyway that’s for sure.
The only thing is, I still hear the footsteps. At night when I’m asleep I wake up and can’t tell if it was just a nightmare or if the sound woke me up. I listen a little, but there’s nothing.
What really terrifies me is the night I wake up from my supposed nightmare and the footsteps keep coming.
Friday, 12 October 2012
Sunday, 23 September 2012
Well if you're like me you'll be disappointed to know that they are not real zombies captured from the last zombie outbreak. No they're actors playing zombies, so ya, no live ammo.
I guess that makes more sense from a business perspective, since if you were using real zombies what would you do once all your zombies were shot? I suppose just make sure a few of the would be trainees got bit, but that would put a dent in business as well.
Anyway, they're actors playing zombies and you just shoot them with paintballs not buckshot from your 12-guage. Still they have some pretty imposing looking zombies and the abandoned woods in south Surrey is a decidedly spooky setting, especially in the twilight of an early fall evening.
There are ramshackle shacks and other sets throughout the forest on the 57 acre property that certainly add to the feeling you are in the midst of your own Walking Dead scenario.
Zombie combat training is the brainchild of Ron McCall who has worked locally on movie special effects for the past 15 years. "The media response I've gotten from this is amazing," said McCall.
He wrote the script to a 45 minute scenario that takes zombie combat trainees through the aforementioned dark woods, they're guided by a 'soldier' and encounter other non-zombie characters as they move through the woods to the final zombie showdown. All the while they get to blast away at a number of shuffling undead.
So who gets to play the zombies the players train on? Mostly unemployed actors who get paid $6.50 per show to run around in the cold and dark and get pelted with paintballs. "If they work back to back shows it works out to $13 an hour says McCall." And if they don't....?
He admitted that after their first week he thought the entire cast would quit en-mass, but they didn't, proving that either there are some really desperate unemployed actors out there or some people just really like playing zombie.
Although Zombie Combat Training is still recruiting/auditioning would be zombies. They request that potential candidates submit a headshot, even though all actors wear zombie masks. So if you worked their entire season (till Nov 15) you might earn back the cost of that headshot.
If you want to be one of the people blasting away at unemployed acto...I mean zombies, then you can 'kill' undead to your heart's content for the sum of $95 per person, or $50 per person for groups of 12 or larger.
Tuesday, 14 August 2012
However relief is at hand! The Loneliest Vampire in NYC is a tale you can relate to, a book that will have you on the edge of your seat in terror, laughing at the rollicking mis-adventures and reflective over the dark and lonely journey of our hero.
Yes it's all that and more...well no, there's no heavy BDSM sex scenes, but there's more to a fun, entertaining book than poorly written, awkward sex scenes.
Buy The Loneliest Vampire in NYC and feel excited about life again, rather than looking like that cute, but dejected looking puppy at the top of this page that I cleverly inserted to make you feel sympathetic and therefore more easily swayed.
But don't take my word for it check out these reviews from readers who have not been subjected to cute puppy porn:
The Loneliest Vampire in NYC is available at Amazon.com, Kobo, iBooks and Smashwords