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Friday, 21 December 2012

Bilbo Baggins versus the Undead

Those of you who have seen the The Hobbit over the holidays are now familiar with the adventures of Bilbo Baggins. However even if you became aware of the tales of this rare adventurous hobbit as a child, as I did, you still are likely unfamiliar with his less publicized exploits against the undead.

Why doesn't Middle earth have undead, vampires and zombies as we do here on our plane of existence? Many Lord of the Rings fans have asked over the years. The answer of course is that they did and still do, J.R.R Tolkien just never got to that part of the history of Middle Earth, or, as some have suggested, it was just too terrifying to relate to readers of the day.

Now The Loneliest Vampire Blog brings that dark saga to light. But consider yourself forewarned these are tales of terror and horror not lighthearted, adventurous romps. Ironically Bilbo Baggins began his fight against the undead while on his first adventure, as told by Tolkien in 'There and Back Again' a.k.a 'The Hobbit' but left out this element out of his saga, again, perhaps because he felt readers in his day just weren't ready for it.

To be continued...

Sunday, 25 November 2012

Cyber Monday deal - The Loneliest Vampire in NYC

Sick of holiday shopping crowds, busy malls and fighting people for the last parking spot in a sixty mile radius? Of course you are, and what better way to relax than to curl up with a good book, one that you can pick up without leaving the warm womblike comfort of your living room.

So this Cyber Monday download a copy of The Loneliest Vampire in NYC for your own enjoyment or for the whole family (as long as the family is into graphic sex and violence). No brooding monosyllabic vampires or asexual love interests here, no just rollicking good fun in the age old tale of good versus evil, time travel, parallel universes, sorcery and dating.

Now at low, low holiday prices, why? Because we care (actually we don't we just want to sell a boat load of books, get a movie deal and move to Hawaii).  

Available wherever books are sold online:

Sunday, 23 September 2012

Zombie combat training

A company in Surrey is now offering zombie combat training and while I'm all for being prepared just who are the zombies people get to train against?

Well if you're like me you'll be disappointed to know that they are not real zombies captured from the last zombie outbreak. No they're actors playing zombies, so ya, no live ammo.

I guess that makes more sense from a business perspective, since if you were using real zombies what would you do once all your zombies were shot? I suppose just make sure a few of the would be trainees got bit, but that would put a dent in business as well.

Anyway, they're actors playing zombies and you just shoot them with paintballs not buckshot from your 12-guage. Still they have some pretty imposing looking zombies and the abandoned woods in south Surrey is a decidedly spooky setting, especially in the twilight of an early fall evening.

There are ramshackle shacks and other sets throughout the forest on the 57 acre property that certainly add to the feeling you are in the midst of your own Walking Dead scenario.

Zombie combat training is the brainchild of Ron McCall who has worked locally on movie special effects for the past 15 years. "The media response I've gotten from this is amazing," said McCall.

He wrote the script to a 45 minute scenario that takes zombie combat trainees through the aforementioned dark woods, they're guided by a 'soldier' and encounter other non-zombie characters as they move through the woods to the final zombie showdown. All the while they get to blast away at a number of shuffling undead.

So who gets to play the zombies the players train on? Mostly unemployed actors who get paid $6.50 per show to run around in the cold and dark and get pelted with paintballs. "If they work back to back shows it works out to $13 an hour says McCall." And if they don't....?

He admitted that after their first week he thought the entire cast would quit en-mass, but they didn't, proving that either there are some really desperate unemployed actors out there or some people just really like playing zombie.

Although Zombie Combat Training is still recruiting/auditioning would be zombies. They request that potential candidates submit a headshot, even though all actors wear zombie masks. So if you worked their entire season (till Nov 15) you might earn back the cost of that headshot.

If you want to be one of the people blasting away at unemployed acto...I mean zombies, then you can 'kill' undead to your heart's content for the sum of $95 per person, or $50 per person for groups of 12 or larger.

Tuesday, 14 August 2012

Dog days of summer got you down?

It's those lazy, hazy days of late summer and you've run through all the Fifty Shades of Grey books, the Olympics are over and now you're just watching late night infomercials and posting instagram pics of your lint collection in a tempt to stem the rushing tide of boredom.

However relief is at hand! The Loneliest Vampire in NYC is a tale you can relate to, a book that will have you on the edge of your seat in terror, laughing at the rollicking mis-adventures and reflective over the dark and lonely journey of our hero.

Yes it's all that and more...well no, there's no heavy BDSM sex scenes, but there's more to a fun, entertaining book than poorly written, awkward sex scenes.

Buy The Loneliest Vampire in NYC and feel excited about life again, rather than looking like that cute, but dejected looking puppy at the top of this page that I cleverly inserted to make you feel sympathetic and therefore more easily swayed.

But don't take my word for it check out these reviews from readers who have not been subjected to cute puppy porn:

The Loneliest Vampire in NYC is available at, Kobo, iBooks and Smashwords

Friday, 22 June 2012

The Zombie apocalypse is here! Here are 5 ways to survive it.

Well another deranged homeless man was found munching on a random passerby in Florida. The attacker was described as slow moving, unintelligible with a ravenous appetite for human flesh.

Come on people who are we kidding here? The zombies are rising, tell me the recent attacks don't sound like the opening to the latest George A. Romero opus. So do you want to bury your head in the sand until the undead hordes are banging at your door or do you want to be proactive and be prepared for the coming undead world order?

Obviously you chose the latter since that means A not only a chance at surviving but also B the opportunity to kill zombies.

So here's what you need to do, don't take the following advice lightly, it can save your life and the lives of all those you hold dear.

#1 Get a 4x4 truck. I know people expect get a weapon first or get food supplies first, but they'd be wrong, get your means of escape organized first, and it should be a sturdy 4x4 that can hold lots of supplies. Preferably a diesel, since you're going to need the fuel mileage (don't forget to get lots of fuel gerry cans you're going to need those too). "What about a Prius I hear they get great mileage?" Some of you might ask, and to you I say just put a bullet in your head now it will be faster. A Prius, are you fucking kidding me? You're going to go home and say, "hey honey it's the end of the world but it's okay I got a Prius." Is that what you're going to tell your wife, the mother of your children? No of course not you're going to tell her you ditched the minivan and picked up a Range Rover Defender then you're going to tell her to get her cute ass moving because you guys are gettin' the hell out of Dodge, while the gettin's good, then worked the pump action on your shot gun just for effect.

#2 Of course in order to work the pump action on your shot gun, you need to posses a shot gun first. Shot guns are the best firearm when it comes to zombie home defense, they don't have to be pump action, but how are you going to do those cool one handed cocks if it's a semi-automatic? That's right and you know you want to, because even though she's a chick Linda Hamilton looked totally badass doing it in Terminator 2. And since it's the end of the world as we know it you definitely want to look somewhat badass.
Other good weapon choices are lever action carbines, a good 7mm rifle (good flat trajectory) and a colt python or other high caliber revolver. But don't just rely on firearms, they run out of ammo and noise attracts more zombies. You definitely need lots of blunt force or edged weapons: spiked baseball bats, hatches, axes, sharpened spades, tire irons, machetes and if you know how to use one, a sword.
Also don't forget alternative projectile weapons: spearguns, throwing stars, heavy spikes and of course a crossbow and/or composite bow.

#3 Food and supplies this one is pretty simple - go to camping store, but as much freeze dried food as you can. Then go to the store and buy as many can goods or anything dry that just requires (at the most) adding water. You're also going to need camp stoves (get lots of extra propane) flashlights, lanterns, solar powered battery chargers (portable solar panels not a bad idea, just don't get a freaking Prius dumbass), portable generators and lots and lots of containers for holding water. When the apocalypse hits you're suddenly going to find out that now that you can longer pick up a bottle of water at the local store or even turn on the tap water is going to be a pretty precious commodity. Let me put this in perspective, you can survive a month easy without food, you won't survive much longer than three days without water. And let me tell you, running from zombies is a good way to get dehydrated fast.
And lastly don't forget lots and lots of seeds. That's right, eventually things will settle down and you're going to want something that isn't freeze dried or canned and there will only be one option, grow it yourself, so seeds will be very handy.

#4 Hideout, so you got your getaway vehicle, you're heavily armed and well supplied but where ya going to run to, huh, where? First of all, no brainer, you want to get out of a city. Obviously the more concentrated the population the more infected there will be. Also conventional wisdom holds that zombies do worse in the cold and since this outbreak is beginning in Miami it looks like there's some truth to that, so head north.
Ideally you want a heavily constructed log cabin on top of a grassy hill with good views in all directions. wait let me rephrase that, ideally you want a castle with sheer 30 foot thick rock walls with a moat around it and a heavy iron gate for an entrance, but barring that take the log cabin. can't find a log cabin take a remote farmhouse or if you're lucky a lighthouse or if you're really lucky, one of those houses built into an old water tower or alternatively one of those homes built out of an old missile silo (seriously they're out there, but the people that build those sorts of homes are serious about survival so probably really well armed).

#5 Who to take? This can be a tough one if you're not a complete misanthrope like myself. For me the decision is easy, I'll take my trusty dog (because there's know better alarm system and he never interrupts me). If anyone else wants a lift in my well provisioned range rover and a bunk in my secret hideaway they better offer up something more than love, affection and familial relations.
If you're a guy you need to be physically fit, able to shoot and smart enough not to get me killed but dumb enough to take orders. If you're a woman...well just add all the above plus attractiveness and you're in (homemaking skills wouldn't hurt either).

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Did Abraham Lincoln kill all the vampires?

A couple of weeks back we talked with Stanley, the so-called Loneliest Vampire [in NYC] about Abraham Lincoln, his vampire killing days and where truth departed from Hollywood fantasy.

Today we're going to touch on that some more and more importantly who else in America's past was an unsung vampire slayer?

Blogger: So Stanley have you seen the movie yet?

Stanley: I haven't but I probably will, I've always liked going to the movies, I guess you could say there's a lot that appeals to being in a darkened theatre for vampires.

Blogger: What are your expectations for the movie based on Abraham Lincoln's turn as a vampire slayer?

Stanley: I just hope it's an entertaining movie, I don't have a lot of expectations in terms of historical accuracy. I know there's talk about a vast vampire conspiracy, which, okay sure there's vampires that go in for politics but they're not as organized as this movie, I think portrays them.

Blogger: Wasn't your nemesis, Doyle, an original 'New World' vampire and known to be part of several conspiracies to put vampires in control?

Stanley: He was, possibly still is, depending on where he is, and it would have made my life a lot easier if Lincoln had gotten around to killing him. But Doyle was part of the Tammany Hall vampires and Lincoln was definitely concentrating on clearing out the south. Many of the vampires from that era came in with the French and Spanish through Florida and Louisiana.

Blogger: When you say that era, what do you mean exactly?

Stanley: The vampires Lincoln was killing most of them were early European explorers and settlers who were turned by ancient South American or North American Indian vampires in the 15th and 16th Centuries so they were between 300 and 100 year old vampires by the time Lincoln got around to dealing with them.

Blogger: And Doyle?

Stanley: His origins are unclear but the feeling is he was also created by an Indian vampire, possibly he was one a member of the Roanoke Colony, the Lost Colony. So similar beginnings to Lincoln's vampires but now he's over 500 years old. Although he's unusual these days, most vampires now date from the late 19th to early 20th century.

Blogger: Are there certain epochs when most vampires are created?

Stanley: There are. I've named two, there was another on in the late 18th century. Why it happens this way it's hard to say but I suppose it's when some of the more ancient vampires get close to dying out and decide they better create more. Also there are vampire leaders that come around from time to time who try to create their own legions for their own nefarious ends, however, so far, it's never worked out quite they way they wanted.

Blogger: What about the other famous (for other reasons) vampire slayers?

Stanley: Well perhaps two of the greatest was the team of Wyatt Earp and Doc,Holiday people just have know idea how bad the vampire problem was in the old west. Everything west of the Rockies might have been one big vampire colony if not for those two and a few others like them.

Blogger: Anyone else?

Stanley: Mark Twain.

Blogger: Really?

Stanley: Yes it was back in his San Francisco newspaper days. Of course San Francisco went through a terrible vampire problem during the god rush days, so Mark Twain was pretty instrumental in fighting that.

Blogger: Funny he never wrote about it.

Stanley: I guess he figured no one would believe it.

Blogger: How about a little closer to home?

Stanley: Well here's one a lot of people don't know about and one I actually had the pleasure of meeting, John Dillinger.

Blogger: You're kidding?!

Stanley: I kid you not, he was big into killing vampires, yes he robbed a few banks here and there, but mainly he liked killing vampires.

Blogger: So how did you meet him?

Stanley: He tried to kill me. Fortunately I got the jump on him and convinced him I wasn't part of the vampire establishment, we ended up having a loose working relationship, good guy. sadly Hoover and the vampire establishment hunted him down and killed him.

Blogger: J. Edgar Hoover worked with the vampires?

Stanley: That surprises you?

That was all we had time for unfortunately, but check back soon and we'll have more about Stanley's reminisces on the vampire world and those who fight them. In the meantime check out his own adventures in 'The Loneliest Vampire in NYC'  at, also, as well as iBooks.

Thursday, 31 May 2012

The truth behind Abraham Lincoln Vampire Slayer

Was the U.S.A's 16th president secretly a vampire hunter? Is the burning question on many people's minds as the release of the movie Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter draws (based on the novel of the same name) near.

The answer - a definite maybe.

According to our resident vampire expert Stanley the self styled Loneliest Vampire, who while a vampire himself is no stranger to vampire hunting, says the legends about Honest Abe have been with us for sometime.

"This all goes back before even my time (early 20th Century)," says Stanley, "but I've certainly been hearing about ol' Abe and his trusty axe for for as long as I can remember."

But how close to the truth do the book and film come?

"The stories I heard didn't come close to what's portrayed in the movie, I mean if you really want an accurate vampire story read The Loneliest Vampire but just the same there's no doubt he did battle a few of those early American vampires and they were tough hombres. Not like today with all of the Gucci wearing 'sparkling' type vamps you see walking around."

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Top 5 ways to avoid the undead

Like you when I watch horror movies it's hard for me not to get annoyed at the stupid things people do in the name of keeping the plot going.
Frankly most of their actions are so completely retarded that I cheer for their demise rather than gasp in horror (as some of you did just now when I used the word retarded).
However in the real world there's no need for you or anyone else to keep the story moving for 90 minutes. So just in case your wits have been dulled from years of bad cinema here's a primer on what not to do when faced with the undead and/or things that go bump in the night that are in fact axe wielding maniacs.

1: Don't go in the attic or into the cellar. There's a reason we stuff things we don't want into the dark corners of our basements and attics, it's dark and creepy up/down there and therefore no one's going to go rummaging through your junk. So if you here a strange noise down/up there it's someone/something that likes dark and creepy spaces and that means someone/something you don't want to meet.

2: Don't go walking in a graveyard after nightfall. Does this really need explanation?

3: Don't be a hero. Women want to be treated equally right? great let them fend off the zombies, vampires, axe wielding maniacs while you put some space between you and the aforementioned killers. Also remember kids are tossable, as in they can be tossed in the way of the marauding undead to slow them down or divert them while you escape...oh come on, it's not like little Jimmy or Jane were going to grow up and cure cancer or anything.

4: Always try to be heavily armed. Remember Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver, remember how he had like six guns concealed on his person. Learn from his example, except you'll have to be a little more creative, wooden spikes, silver throwing stars, holy water hand grenades that sort of thing, but then again a trusty .44 magnum doesn't hurt either.

5: Have a dog. Dogs are the best alarm system in the world because late at night they will bark at anything that isn't you. If you're not expecting an old friend to drop by at 3 am  chances are Fido is barking at the approaching undead, so arm yourself, shield yourself with a half asleep child or your feminist girlfriend and what ever you do don't go into the attic or down into the cellar.

Monday, 7 May 2012

Dark Shadows brings breaks vampire stereotype

Tim Burton's Dark Shadows film (based on the 1960s gothic comedy) debuts this week and thankfully none of the vampires in this movie sparkle, nor do they brood darkly or tear their shirts of and stand around looking like they're in a men's cologne ad.
No Dark Shadows (starring Johnny Depp as Barnabas Collins) is a refreshing return to the original dark over the top, campy fun. Showing the world that just because you're undead doesn't mean you have to be boring and endlessly introspective. In fact this movie reminds of another vampire story, a novel in fact, what's its name? Oh of course The Loneliest Vampire in NYC, if you like Dark Shadows you'll like the Loneliest Vampire and if you done't like Dark Shadows...I don't know, what are you a Quaker or something?

Monday, 26 March 2012

The Loneliest Vampire blog: Hunger Games and the modern Vampire

The Loneliest Vampire blog: Hunger Games and the modern Vampire: With the huge success of the new Hunger Games movie over the weekend we thought we'd sit down and chat with Sylvna the villian/heroine (depe...

Hunger Games and the modern Vampire

With the huge success of the new Hunger Games movie over the weekend we thought we'd sit down and chat with Sylvna the villian/heroine (depending on the universe she's occupying) of The Loneliest Vampire in NYC and get her take on the whole girls/women kicking ass phenomenon.

LVB: So first off have you seen the movie, read the book or both?

Sylvna: Both, I liked them. My only criticism is that Katniss chick needs to up her game a bit.

LVB: How so?

Sylvna: She's wayyyy to nice or good or whatever you want to call it. She kind of waits around for everyone else to make a mistake, which is great if you get lucky, but I think at some point you got to start   impaling people.

LVB: But isn't the point that she's not evil, she's trying to preserve her humanity in the face of a barbaric game?

Sylvna: I guess, whatever. I'd rather just tear out a few hearts and get back to shopping.

LVB: You say that but what would the 'good' Sylvna say?

Sylvna: What are you talking about, I am good, I'm not that evil bitch running around Manhattan. is that who you thought I was?

LVB: Well you two do look a lot alike.

Sylvna: Hardly, for starters she dresses like a complete skank, whereas I never step outside unless fashionably attired. Plus what's with that hair?

LVB: What you mean how it changes colour?

Sylvna: Yes, it's weird, you'll note I'm consistently blond even when my mood changes, unlike that other freak.

LVB: Uh...touche.

Sylvna: Not to mention she's a complete sociopath, God I can't believe you mixed us up!

LVB: You're not going to kill us are you?

Sylvna: No I'm not, because I'm good, good people don't go around putting their hands through the chest cavity of lazy journalists who can't be bothered to do a little pre-interview research.

LVB: That's a relief. So what's next for the Good Sylvna?

Sylvna: I might take up archery, it looks like fun.

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Zombie attack II

Apparently my last post on how to survive a zombie apocalypse was not informative enough and people deprived of their weekly The Walking dead fix suddenly fill my inbox with increasingly inane questions.

Number one on that list is: Hey Alan do you think they'll be slow or fast zombies?

Uh, slow, duh. fast zombies are an invention of Hollywood (and how often do they get it right?) You think you can take away almost complete brain function AND then sprint like an Olympic athlete, sure.
The danger from zombies isn't that they're fast it's that they are mindless and therefore relentless in their need to devour human flesh. Really people I need to tell you this?

Next up: But what about my friends and family, how do I make sure they'll be okay?

Jeesh, youse people. Look it's the zombie apocalypse not a family reunion. As C. Montgomery Burns once said, "family and friends are the demons you have to slay if you want to get ahead in business." Same goes for surviving the zombie apocalypse.

Or how about this poor misguided fool: Don't you think the government has some sort of contingency plan in case of a zombie apocalypse?

Oh boy where to begin with that one. First off half the people working in government are already zombies (the other half are vampires). And if they're not they're as likely to share any 'contingency plan' with John Q. Public as they were all those flying saucers that crashed in new Mexico in the 1940s and 50s.

However amongst the dross were a few pertinent questions such as: So the world as we know it has come to an end, what do I look for in fellow survivors to team up with?

Well for starters my pragmatic friend you've got the right attitude you'll go far with that sort of thinking. As to the specifics of your question, teaming up with fellow survivors is indeed a quandary.
For starters at first glance you may write off the older, heavy set fellow as dead weight. But what if he turns out to be a skilled surgeon, damned handy to have around don't you think?
On the other hand there's certainly the temptation to save the hot girl, but what about when her heels break and she whines incessantly about the lack of spa service? All of a sudden saving the damsel in distress doesn't seem like such a great idea.
Of course there are also big biker types who might seem like they'd be good to have in a fight, but let's face it they're almost as slow as zombies and when the action's quiet they'll make your life hell.
No what you want is one of those middle age handy-man types, you know the ones that always have a tool belt on and love to fix things and be helpful. Or a young idealistic doctor (male or female) who place a high value on human life and will work to create a functioning society. Also extreme marathon types are good, they're quiet and introspective but obviously have lots of stamina and are used to going long periods with few creature comforts.
Scientists can be handy as well, especially chemists who can do things like make batteries from scratch and teach you how to make fuel from corn. But beware anyone in environmental science they're really just tree huggers with advanced degrees and might feel killing zombies is morally wrong or something nonsensical like that. Plus they'll always argue against jumping in the Hummer and insist on looking for a Prius to make your getaway in endangering your party for the sake of environmental purity. On the plus side if you have to choose someone to be zombie bait so you can get away, well it makes for an easy decision.

Okay can you figure out the rest from here, I've got better things to do you know.


Monday, 19 March 2012

What to do in case of a zombie attack

The Walking Dead had its season finale on Sunday and if the Mad Men hiatus is anything to go by AMC won't get it back on the air until sometime in 2015. So that is kind of a bummer and yes I know there's the graphic novel, but once you've started watching the show it's really not the same thing. 

Then, and how's this for irony, there's the possibility of a zombie apocalypse between now and then, which means we'll never find out what happens to the survivors of the zombie apocalypse as portrayed in The Walking Dead...and there would be a real zombie apocalypse to deal with, even more of a bummer (or possibly your dream come true depending on your world view and/or socio-economic standing.

Ok no more The Walking Dead and legions of undead pounding on your door, what to do?

First of all if you're a fan of The Walking Dead then why have you allowed yourself to be ambushed by a bunch of damn zombies? Just because your favourite show is off the air for an indeterminate amount of time and the world as you know has come to and end is no reason to throw caution to the wind.

Well let's back up a bit. With AMC's hit series The Walking Dead off the air you've got time to take care of real world problems and prepare yourself for the coming zombie hordes, so you don't wake up one morning to find yourself breakfast for the undead.

First of all if it's not already make sure your door is made of reenforced steel and make sure your windows are covered by iron bars. The neighbours may laugh and say they're ugly but who'll be laughing when their craniums are appetizers at the zombie banquet - you that's who! 

You'll need food and water of course, so make sure to have several gallons of bottled water, energy bars and lots of Red Bull on hand (you may not have a lot of time to sleep in the early days of the apocalypse). Twinkies are no longer available (Hostess how could you) but there are other gas station snack cakes that have equally long shelf lives i.e. forever. Freeze dried meals are a must as well, but avoid can foods, to heavy and cumbersome, plus what if you lose your can opener then what? 

Of course weapons are important. Guns sure, a good reliable 12-guague and Colt Python .44 revolver are handy, but guns runout of ammo and then they're just paperweights plus gunfire attracts more zombies. In the end your firearms will most likely be needed most for keeping unwelcome human invaders at bay.

What you want is a nice long machete with a strong blade (for those all important skull cracking swings) and a good sized hatchet as back-up. Plus if we've learned nothing from The Walking Dead it's that a crossbow is indispensable. 

So you're stocked up with provisions and heavily armed. You've taken the proper precautions against being caught by surprise, but at some point you're going to need to bug out and head for the country. There's really only one choice for a zombie escape vehicle, a cold-forged Jeep YJ (with hard top of course). It doesn't have the mileage of diesel but when you're out on the highway looking for abandoned cars to siphon fuel from  you don't want to be looking for the one diesel car out of a hundred now do you?

There you have it, the complete zombie survival guide in less than 500 words. Now get out there and get ready for the apocalypse because you don't want to be the one others are laughing at as zombies dine on your small intestine do you?

Friday, 13 January 2012

10 technologies vampires could use to lure their prey

Considering how profoundly it’s changed our lives, it’s small wonder that high tech has infiltrated the furthest reaches of society, and beyond. Consider the vampire. Once resigned to roaming the shadows in search of victims, save for the occasional flight of fancy in the form of a bat, these denizens of the dark no longer have to rely purely on pot luck for their dinners. There are at least 10 technologies that vampires can use to lure their prey: see link below