Loneliest Vampire the play

This is an abbreviated version of the play that eventually became The Loneliest Vampire in NYC the novel. I wrote it for the Here Be Monsters Festival last fall and thought I might expand it as I did Night of the B Movie, but there was just way too much I wanted to do with the character of Stanley and the other characters I wanted to add. Stanley in the play is a lot more bloodthirsty than in the novel and the Girl (Anika Andrews in the book) would never ask Stanley or anyone to kill her ex-boyfriend. Although Chet does make an appearance in the novel.

The Loneliest Vampire in NYC

By Alan Forsythe

Bare stage, implied quiet street in Manhattan. A girl sits on a bench reading a book. It is one of the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyers.

Enter Stanley a vampire.

STANLEY: Yes I am a Vampire, I just like to get that out of the way up front to avoid any awkwardness. So now of course you’re all thinking I’m going to swoop down and devour that girl over there. But you’d be wrong, what I’d really like to do is go over there chat her up a bit and get a phone number or maybe we could be facebook friends. Then maybe we could grab a coffee sometime and she could get to know the real me.

Girl flips page of book, Stanley paces a bit.

STANLEY: Okay I confess that seems a little desperate, especially for a vampire. But I tell you, it’s not easy being basically immortal and having no social life. There are vampires out there living the good life, keeping up the whole sex crazed vampire image. I’m just not one of them. And you know who I blame for my misfortune – HBO and fucking Stephanie Meyers. Thanks to True Blood, Twilight and a couple of other unrealistic portrayals of vampires I’m constantly being compared to brooding teenagers.

Girl flips another page, Stanley paces some more.

STANLEY: It get’s a little depressing, I know brain dead zombies that have more of a social life than me, and seriously, why do brain dead zombies even need a social life?

GIRL: Hey mister can you stop muttering over there I’m trying to read.

Stanley walks over to the girl.

STANLEY: Hi.

Girl looks up, a little distracted.

GIRL: Uh, yeah, hi.

STANLEY: You don’t find me to possess a certain hypnotic attraction?

Girl looks up again.

GIRL: More like a certain hypnotic repulsion.

STANLEY: Oh come on that’s harsh.

GIRL: Hey mister I’m just trying to read here.

STANLEY: Yes I see, Twilight, which is about vampires, so aren’t you, well intrigued by me?

Girl looks up again and gives Stanley the once over indifferently.

GIRL: No should I be?

STANLEY: Well I am a vampire, or as I prefer vampyre, the Nosferatu.

The girl gives Stanley a more careful appraisal.

GIRL: Mmmmmm, no.

STANLEY: No, what do you mean no?

GIRL: You’re not a vampire or vampyr or whatever.

STANLEY: I assure you I am.

GIRL: Sure, have it your way.

She goes back to her book.

STANLEY: Now you’re just humouring me.

GIRL: (without looking up) Basically.

STANLEY: You know I am a dark creature of the night, I could drain your blood and make you my undead slave.

Girl looks up.

GIRL: So does that line work a lot?

STANLEY: I’m just saying is all. One would think one would be a little more impressed when confronted with a vampire.

GIRL: One would wouldn’t one.

STANLEY: That’s right. Wait, I lost track who are we talking about now?

GIRL: (exasperated) Heavy sigh.

STANLEY: heavy sigh?

GIRL: Yes heavy sigh, as in I’m extremely bored. Oh my God!

The girl suddenly lifts her book in front of her face.

STANLEY: What’s wrong?

GIRL: It’s that asshole Chet, I don’t want him to see me (beat) talking with you.

STANLEY: Well why do you care if he’s an asshole?

GIRL: Just never mind, he’s a prick and I hate him.

STANLEY: You know if you want I could drain his jugular and leave him face down in a gutter for the rats to pick over his corpse.

The girl lowers her book, suddenly interested.

GIRL: Really, you’d do that for me?

STANLEY: Sure, why not, besides, I’m feeling a tad peckish.

GIRL: Well okay, I mean only if it’s no big deal or anything.

STANLEY: It’s no problem at all. I’ll be right back, don’t go anywhere.

Stanley walks off stage.

STANLEY: (OS) Hey are you Chet?

CHET: (OS) Uh, yeah, who the fuck are you?

Suddenly they are blood curdling screams from off stage. The Girl watches onstage from her bench.

Stanley re-enters, his shirt and face now stained heavily with blood. He approaches the Girl.

STANLEY: Well, mission accomplished.

The Girl looks off stage and then up at Stanley, now with some awe.

GIRL: Yeah, that was cool, you totally just killed him.

STANLEY: I am a vampire after all.

GIRL: Yeah you are, wow that’s neat.

STANLEY: Soooo, anyway, would you like to get a coffee or something?

GIRL: Uh, yeah, why not.

She gathers up her things and takes Stanley’s arm, and they walk off together.

GIRL: So do you have your own coffin and everything?

STANLEY: It’s more of a wooden box really, but I’m fixing it up, it’s you know, rustic.

They exit.

Lights down

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Zombie Hordes

This is a one act play I wrote over the winter. It doesn't have vampires either, but if I expand it to full length (as I did with Night of the B Movie) There's a good chance I would add a vampire character. Probably as a Jack the Ripper/vampire. 

Act I

Scene I

Lights up

Sherlock Holmes and Watson sitting in what is apparently the living room of their flat at 221B Baker Street.

Watson is flipping through a newspaper and Holmes is reading a thick book and smoking a pipe.

WATSON: I say Holmes what do you make of all this dismemberment business?

HOLMES: I would say that it appears to be the work of the Watasan tribe of the Congo; part of their warrior ritual is tearing their victims limb from limb with their bare hands and consuming their brains. The latter supposedly infuses them with the essence of their victims giving them a stronger life force.

WATSON: Well I dare say you’re right as usual old boy, but this here newspaper account says eyewitnesses described the attackers as disheveled, pale and shambling Eastenders. Hardly how one would describe a blood thirsty savage from the Congo.

HOLMES: My goodfellow those newspaper men or ‘reporters’ as they’re apt to be called these days are all opium addicts who wouldn’t know a dangling participle from a Watasan brave if it was doing a jig on the end of their nose.

WATSON: The brave or the participle?

HOLMES: Either or frankly.

WATSON: Just the same shouldn’t we do something about it?

HOLMES: Us? Hardly our thing old bean, I’d say it’s more in immigration’s line, maybe they’ll smarten up now; they do let anyone in the country these days.

WATSON: Well I should hope so, terrible business this if you ask me.

Their bell rings.

Enter Mrs. Hudson.

HOLMES: Mrs. Hudson, to what do we owe the pleasure?

MRS. HUDSON: I’ll have none of your cheekiness this morning, Mr. Holmes, Dr. Watson (she nods to Watson).

WATSON: Mrs. Hudson.

HOLMES: What’s so pressing a business that my tea must be interrupted, albeit by our charming landlady, who if I’m not mistaken has taken up the pipe, is distraught over the wilting appearance of her African violets and has lost her favourite cat Mister Muggles?

WATSON: You never cease to amaze me Holmes.

MRS. HUDSON: (she says sarcastically) Yes very good Mr. Holmes, I only just told you all of that yesterday evening, what a deduction.

HOLMES: Elementary logic my dear Mrs. Hudson.

MRS. HUDSON: No it’s not I just told you-

WATSON: Your analytical powers are truly astounding Holmes.

HOLMES: Thank you Watson, but onto more pressing matters, since Mrs. Hudson grows impatient.

WATSON: Brilliant observation old man.

HOLMES: Quite. So Mrs. Hudson out with it, how may I be of service?

MRS. HUDSON: (she sighs) It’s that Inspector Lestrade Mr. Holmes, he’s sent word to come right away, says he’s deathly ill and needs your brains.

HOLMES: Lestrade asking for our help, damned peculiar, eh Watson?

WATSON: What do you make of it Holmes?

HOLMES: If I’m not mistaken our Inspector Lestrade has fallen deathly ill and requires our assistance.

MRS. HUDSON: I just said he was!

HOLMES: Don’t trouble yourself Mrs. Hudson, things that are apparent to me are often mystifying to others.

MRS. HUDSON: Or for crying out loud, you pomp-

WATSON: I suppose we had better go then hadn’t we?

HOLMES: Not just yet Watson. Mrs. Hudson did the message from Lestrade state that he needed my assistance specifically or both mine and Watson’s?

MRS.HUDSON: (she sighs again) He said, come right away need some brains urgently.

On Night of the B Movie

By Alan Forsythe

In answer to several questions I've had since posting an excerpt of my play Night of the B Movie, yes it is a full length play and yes it is being produced. It will run this summer from Sept 9th - Sept 17th at the Cultch theatre here in Vancouver.
No it doesn't have vampires, just a mad scientist, zombies, party girls and Flash Gordon.
Yes, The Loneliest Vampire in NYC did start as a play before I started writing it as a novel. A short version of the play will be performed this June at the Brackendale Art Gallery and Theatre. It will be the only time I'll allow the play to be performed so see it while you can if you happen to be in the neighbourhood.

Night of the B Movie

Barnaby goes to what appears to be the door to the house/laboratory he opens it and Kimberly and Jennifer enter.

KIMBERLY: Hi, I’m Kimberly, this is Jennifer, Mike invited us, is that the DJ? (she points at the Mad Scientist) where is everyone, how come it’s so quiet? (to Barnaby) Hey cool retro outfit dude.

JENNIFER: Uh, Kimberly this clearly is not the party.

The Mad Scientist stands and walks over to the girls. Barnaby hovers.

MAD SCIENTIST: Well young lady you are half right, this isn’t the party you’re looking for but tonight there will be a celebration here nonetheless (beat) Yes that’ll do Barnaby.

Barnaby shuffles, drags himself to the other side of the stage.

KIMBERLY: His name’s Barnaby?

MAD SCIENTIST: Yes, is that a problem, not colourful enough for you, not ethnic enough perhaps, is that it, mmm?

KIMBERLY: No Barnaby’s cool. I just thought he looked more like an Igor.

MAD SCIENTIST: (disgusted) People! You’re all so tiresome, with your predictable assumptions.

KIMBERLY: God, you’re kind of a downer.

JENNIFER: (pushing Kimberly aside) Ya, ya, I know.  Barnaby’s great, I’m sure he’ll make some woman very happy someday, but what’s this about a celebration?

MAD SCIENTIST: Ah ha, I see now who the brains of the two are.

JENNIFER: Yes and the looks and talent.

KIMBERLY: Excuse me?

JENNIFER: So you were saying?

MAD SCIENTIST: Yes I’m so glad you asked.

BARNABY: (makes loud wailing noise).

MAD SCIENTIST: (to Barnaby) Yes, yes I know you’re excited, but just the same I think it would go better if I explained Barnaby. (to the girls). He’s very eager because tonight of all nights is the night of, dramatic pause, The B Movie!

Thunder clap and lightning flash.

Dark Shadows adds to vampire soap operas

By Alan Forsythe

The mid-sixties soap opera Dark Shadows after years of failed attempts is finally coming to the big screen in 2012. Starring Johnny Depp, who apparently is a huge fan of the original series, will play the lead character.
The upshot of all this is we will have yet another soap opera with vampire themes. Dark Shadows was actually the original Twilight and in its day largely appealed to a teen audience, just the same it was a daytime drama and competed for audience share against shows like Days of Our Lives.
Who knows, maybe it was even the inspiration for a young Stephenie Meyer. Perhaps one day while catching the show in syndication, she thought to herself, 'if I ever write a book I'll make it a lot like this, except without the confusing parts and all the ickiness. Plus these people are old, I'll just make them all teenagers.'
That's one theory and it's as good as any other I suppose.
As for Dark Shadows? Well it will be directed by Tim Burton so that's encouraging at least. Hopefully he will have less cheese and dial up the camp - way up. And let's not forget Johnny Depp, he did star in Burton's Ed Wood which means when these two team up there's always a chance it could be good.
Still another vampire soap opera....

Zombies versus vampires

By Alan Forsythe

The two biggest fears in our post-millenial age, based on popular culture, apparently are the zombie apocalypse and vampires (I guess we have nothing else to worry about in today's society).
So who wins in a battle between zombies and vampires? And don't kid yourself vampires would be fighting zombies right along with us, they would be our greatest ally (in the event of the aforementioned zombie apocalypse).
Why? Well surely it's obvious, if the world is taken over by zombies what the hell do the vampires do, not much fun for them. And if they fed on zombies would their be zombie vampires, damn straight there would be (you would have to stake them and cut of their head).
So who wins between zombies and vampires, well let's just hope it doesn't come to that, just the same zombie versus vampire, mmmmm......

NEW!! True Blood Promo

A few words about parallel universes

By Alan Forsythe

When people tell me I need to better explain the concept of parallel universes my reply is, as soon as Stephen Hawking gets around to it I'll be right there with an update. In the meantime you're stuck with what we have in terms of physics.
Although really, it's a parallel plane of existence, so sort of the same sometimes, other times radically different, is that concept so hard to grasp? Does Sesame Street need to do a quantum physics show?
Speaking of Sesame Street if the Count is a vampire wouldn't it freak the kiddies out when he tore someone's jugular out. Or was that a lesson as well? You know like, 'how long till she bleeds out, one, two...'

Okay maybe True Blood isn't so bad

By Alan Forsythe

I may have been too quick to judge True Blood, friends have urged me to watch a few more episodes and i confess it does have it's merits. Still I wonder why in the universe of the fictional vampire these days they are prohibited from drinking anything but blood. Bela Lugosi as Dracula famously had wine, red wine with dinner, well that was his dinner, or appetizer really.
I think vampires being somewhat debauched individuals would be happy to imbibe intoxicating beverages from time to time. After all blood is what sustains them, booze just makes their lives a little easier. Well, that's how I write vampires anyway.

Top 10 vampire movies

They're making another Twilight movie so here's a round-up of vampire films that are actually good, or so cheesy they're good.

#1 Dracula 1931, based on the popular stage, Bela Lugosi reprises the role of Dracula for the big screen, in glorious B&W, as the trailers says: Preying on young women and condemning them to a fate, truly, worse than death! When's the last time you saw a movie advertised like that?

#2 Dracula 1979 starring Frank Langella in the title role and the late great Lawrence Olivier as Van Helsing. Get this tag line: "Dracula the greatest lover who ever lived, died and lived again." Despite that and the fact it's from the 70s it's actually not that cheesy and does have some truly scary scenes.

#3 Dracula A.D 1972, yes that's really the title. Stars Christopher Plummer in his sixth incarnation as Dracula for Hammer films, the little British studio that specialized in Horror films from the 1950s through to the early 70s. This version of Dracula features hippies, hippies turned into vampires, come on what's not to like there? Also performances by the rock band Stoneground (yeah I've never heard of them either).

#4 Blacula, also from 1972 and part of the blaxploitation movement in film in the early 70s. "Dracula's soul brother." Too cheesy not to like. Quentin Tarantino will likely do a remake in a few years, but catch the original now.

#5 Nosferatu 1922, starring the seriously creepy Max Schreck as Count Orlock, Schreck was so convincing as a vampire the rumour was he really was a vampire, hey who knows for sure. At any rate a great film not just a great vampire film. So this is what people do when their economy crumbles, make scary films, could be worse.

#6 Lesbian Vampire Killers 2009, I know how it sounds but this movie starts out with tongue firmly in cheek and stays there. Obviously trying to capitalize on the Sean of the Dead crowd, this well made British film, doesn't quite have the same sly sense of humour, but it is fun.

#7 The Lost Boys 1986, oh right you don't like the Lost Boys starring the two Coreys as wannabe vampire hunters. "The thing I always hated about San Dimos is all the damn vampires," classic line, lots of eighties music and Kiefer Sutherland with a mullet no list of vampire films is complete without Lost Boys on it.

#8 Vamp also 1986 starring Grace Jones as the queen vampire of a strip club where everyone is a vampire, yes Tarantino's Dusk till Dawn is basically a rip-off (surprised anyone?) But Vamp is better, two frat boys and their nerdy tag along go in, who comes back out?

#9 Near Dark 1987, starring Lance Erickson. Roving pack of vampires (although the word vampire is never used) terrorize small towns in the American south west. Told mainly from the perspective of the vampires, actually surprisingly good movie, one of Kathryn Bigelow's early efforts. Would make for a good vampire series today, at least it would be a nice change from all of the soap opery dreck we get now.

#10 Vampire's Kiss 1989, starring Nicolas Cage. Is Nick Cage being turned into a vampire after being bitten by Jennifer Beals, or is  he just insane? More likely the latter but this is one bizarre flick, both somewhat terrifying and very funny.

Honourable mention: Buffy the Vampire Slayer 1992, the movie that spawned the TV series, a series that had no mopey angst ridden vampires, yay!

Interviewing vampires

Anne Rice is the one really to blame when we talk about the emasculation of vampires. It was her Louis in Interview with a Vampire that created the whole, 'oh gee I'm undead, I'm going to sulk about it for the next 200 years,' genre.
Although to be fair Interview, the first book in her vampire chronicles was actually not bad, not bad at all. It had a lot of mystery, it was very original (at the time) and it had the character of Lestat to balance out all of Louis's numbing introspection.
Unfortunately due to the huge success of that novel too many vampires since have been modeled on the Louis character and not Lestat.
Yes Lestat was unspeakably cruel and evil in the first book (don't even ask about the later books, shudder) but he went about his dastardly acts in such a pedestrian, almost frat boy like way that it was sort of endearing.
But still it's Louis, mopey Louis who's a vampire but kind of sort of wishes' he wasn't and worse yet can't shut up about it,  that has become the vampire mold. He's the undead as the undead would be on Dr.Phil, he's the undead on Prozac, he's the undead that's spawned a generation of sappy romance novels that have turned vampires into latter day James Deans instead of blood sucking, cruel, ravenous, womanizers.

Why a lonely vampire?

The answer to the above question is another question, why not a lonely vampire? The thing is if you look at vampires throughout history, they pretty much lived a solitary existence, that is outside of the Blade trilogy which portrayed vampires as sort of undead clubkids.
But then Blade had Blade as the solitary pseudo vampire who preyed on an established vampire society.
It's part of the mystique of vampires, the loners who live on the fringes. But not the crazy loners holed up in a shack in Montana. The loners who bring something to the table, except for their fatal flaw of preying on humans (no matter how dark and mysterious someone is that's always going to be a drawback, for any sane person anyway).
So if vampires are inherently loners, then what's up with the loneliest vampire, his existence must be especially melancholy yes? Well yes and no, he's actually more of the everyman vampire, who struggles with being one of the undead and dating.
To find out more, read the book, out (and again I don't know why there's still questions about this) June 28th.

Buffy needs to get slaying again

Between Vampire Diaries, True Blood and Twilight there are far too many brooding vampire types out there. So where the hell is Buffy when we need her? She needs to get back in shape, get back into training and start staking a few of the whiny little wimps that pass for vampires these days.
They may think they're miserable now, but after a few of them got staked then they'd have a real problem to dwell on, not just the agony of deciding which pair of skinny jeans looked best with their loafers.

What's worse Twilight or Da Vinci Code?

That's sort of one of those how high is up questions, but I give the edge to Da Vinci Code because it has pretensions (as laughable as they are) of being an intellectual thriller, whereas Twilight is pretty much what it aspires to be.

Vincent Price a nation turns its lonely eyes to you

By Alan Forsythe

We're coming up on the 100th anniversary of the king of the B movies birthday, Vincent Price (May 27, 1911), so it seems appropriate to look back at one of the horror movie greats.
Although he played the lead in the Invisible Man in 1940 he didn't really jump into B movie horror flicks until the 1950s and 60s. He did have a fairly successful conventional career in many film noire thrillers up until then. But most people remember Price, and his distinctive voice, from his B movie days (or more likely from the voice over on Michael Jackson's Thriller).
Actually Thriller wasn't Price's first foray into pop music, so to speak, he (much more appropriately) performed a voice over on Alice Cooper's first album, Welcome to my Nightmare.
Just the same Price hit his horror high point with a series of films based on the stories of Edgar Allan Poe from 1960 - 68 produced Roger Corman (Price and Corman that was a match made in B movie heaven).
Price also played a villain on the Batman TV series, the campiest show ever allowed on U.S network television. Sadly however Price never played a vampire.

When will The Loneliest Vampire in NYC be available?

The question I get asked a lot these days is when will The Loneliest Vampire in NYC be published? That kind of mystifies me since it clearly states on the Facebook page 'release date June 28th.' I don't think that leaves room for a lot of interpretation, it's not late June, not the end of June, not Juneish, not umm I guess June, or maybe July, it's June 28th.
On to other news: casting for Night of the B Movie begins this week, and to answer another commonly asked question, no it's not a movie, it's a play, a musical to be exact, based, that's right, on B movies.
Night of the B Movie premiers September 9th here in Vancouver but if you can't make it we will try to cut a youtube trailer so hopefully you can get some idea of what we're trying to do.
Speaking of trailers, yes the Loneliest Vampire in NYC book trailer is coming to a youtube channel near you soon. 

Good old fashioned vampirism, where for art thou?

By Alan Forsythe

Sigh, True Blood and Vampire Diaries are about to launch their new seasons, the Twilight series is planning to unleash yet another forgettable movie and it all makes me ache for the days when vampires were vampires.
Bela Lugosi didn't pout and get all 'conflicted,' he saw Mina Harker and went for it. Even in the 1979 Dracula film that stressed the romance between Dracula and Mina, Frank Langella stilled played Dracula as a man who meant business. Just because he loved Mina in a undead sort of way didn't stop him from dining on her best friend Annie.
Plus that film had the great Lawrence Oliver as Van Helsing a formidable foe for the vampire count and definitely much better than the guidance counsellors the latest round of vampires have to deal with, 'so you're a vampire how does that make you feel?'
Also let's not forget the British Hammer films of the 1960s, early 70s, they brought in the era of sexy vampires, but really sexy vampires. Lesbian vampires, nubile victims running around in diaphanous robes, and swarthy vampire counts doing swarthy vampire things to said nubile victims. Plus there was a lot of blood...and Vincent Price.

Vampires and romance

By Alan Forsythe

Why is vampirism of all things so closely link with love and romance or barring that at least sex. But it's usually some form of destructive sex, as in somebody has to pay a price for giving into desire. The latest crop of vampire stores, Twilight, Vampire Diaries and True Blood to name a few didn't invent the whole vampirism as metaphor for sex/love. The original Vampyre featured a mysterious young man who seduced young women. Furthermore it was based somewhat on the life of Lord Byron the notorious libertine of his age.
Illicit sex became one of the themes of vampire novels, with precursors to Dracula, like Carmila setting the tone. Carmilla may sound like the B-movie plots of more recent vampire stories: lesbian seduces the beautiful young heroine but it was actually written in 1872 and was hugely successful.  

Ex presidents who should have been Vampire hunters

There is a book out apparently that covers Abraham Lincoln's days as a vampire hunter. Which got us thinking, naturally, about what other presidents would be good vampire hunters. But let's not go all the way back to Washington, let's just start with modern era presidents, post WWII.
First off Truman, small, wore glasses but extremely determined and not afraid to nuke your ass if needed, good vampire hunter.
Eisenhower, big guy, ex military, good vampire hunter.
Kennedy, young and athletic but not focused enough, easily distracted (and not all vampires are men, some are very attractive females.) Not a good vampire hunter.
Nixon, stoop shouldered, out of shape, possibly evil himself, bad vampire hunter.
Ford, ex-football player but clumsy and out of shape, forget about it - bad vampire hunter.
Carter, despite the wimpy persona, God fearing man, good with tools, tall wiry, jogs, good vampire hunter.
Reagan, pretty much the opposite of Carter, but can't rule out Hollywood factor, good vampire hunter.
Bush Sr., Autocratic, too worried about balance of power, bad vampire hunter.
Clinton, more focused than Kennedy, but not as athletic and same achilles heel, bad vampire hunter.
Bush Jr., keeps in shape, dogged determination to fight evildoers, likes a good war or two, total bible thumper, frankly Bush Jr. missed his calling, possibly the best vampire hunter of the bunch. Excellent vampire hunter.
Obama, in good shape, but may lack the will to push the stake in at critical moment, bad vampire hunter.

The truth about True Blood.

If you haven't it seen I will tell you this True Blood is a very good soap opera set in the Deep South. From the same people who brought you Six Feet Under, True Blood takes place in a small town and has all of the requisite attractive actors and all of the requisite sex that's the good part.
The bad? The vampires. What's wrong with them you ask, not brooding enough, not tormented enough, not obsessed with their looks enough? No they've got all that in spades, it's more their choice of residence. Why is it always some out of the way no where town, what's wrong with New Orleans? If I was one of the immortal undead I wouldn't be thinking you know what, I need the quiet country life, early to bed, early to rise that sort of thing.
I think True Blood would be a lot better if some of the characters decided they were going to go off to the big city, because damn it if they can make it there they can make it anywhere. Plus who the hell wants to live in Hicksville anyway?

Dracula - the loneliest vampire of them all

By Alan Forsythe

Dracula was the original loneliest vampire, sure he had lots of charm, was a pretty natty dresser and yes he had Rensfield and those three crazy chicks at his castle, but let's face it he was lonely.
Why else would he throw it all away for Mina Harker? That's right because at the end of the day strip away all the trappings of the well-to-do count and he's just another awkward immigrant with a funny accent who wants to make his way in the world. And nothing says, 'I'm accepted' more than dating an upper middle class woman who throws over a doctor, no less, to be with you.
At the end of the day it was Dracula's insecurities that got the best of him much more than Van Helsing. He ignored the golden rule of dating, play it cool. Instead he got super obsessive about her and Van Helsing caught him when he stopped taking care of business.
You have to feel for Dracula, it really shows that even when you have the power of the undead the right girl can get under your skin and really mess you up.

Vampire Diaries back for a third season...yawn

By Alan Forsythe

Oh great so the angst ridden brothers on Vampire Diaries are coming back to give us more of their angst filled dialogue about all the angst they feel over some chick who is sort of like some other chick they had a lot of angst filled dialogue about a 150 years ago.
And if they can't think of anything, you know, angst ridden to say they just brood and look tormented. But not too tormented because then that might look icky. I'm actually a big fan of what's his face and the other guy, what's his face, but sometimes I just want to tell them to forget about all the angst and torment and just go get a beer or something. You know, and just stop freaking out about whether or not you can get wine stains out of crushed velvet, it's not the end of the world, it so isn't, trust me on that one.

Steam punk fashion

Some people consider steam punk, the marriage of 1890s technology with a quasi-futuristic design concepts (think Jules Verne meets Blade Runner) as yet another in a long line of passing fads.
But steam punk has actually been round for sometime, Jules Verne good actually be considered the grandfather of steam punk and I think you could even throw H.G Wells into the mix.
In The Loneliest Vampire in NYC steam punk definitely forms the books style theme, partly in the way several characters dress and a few of the settings, but mainly in the scenes that take place in an alternative 1900s New York City.

vampire hunters just insecure

The thing about so-called vampire hunters is what would they be doing if the weren't vampire hunting? I tell you what, nothing that's what. They'd just be on the public teat sitting around moaning about the good old days when they were hunting vampires - the ones they hunted to extinction. So don't be taken in by all the vampire hunter propaganda, the world needs more vampires not fewer, I'm mean unless you want to live in Cuba or something, do ya comrade, huh do ya? Didn't think so.

Loneliest Vampire in NYC too controversial

An unnamed source recently announced that 'The Loneliest Vampire in NYC' may be too controversial for its own good.
"Vampires dating humans, and I think there's a werewolf in there somewhere, I don't think we're ready for that sort of storyline in the publishing world," said the source.
"Plus I see the book as a little soft on evil, where's the heavy moralizing that makes supernatural gothic romance novels 'ok'. There's none of that in this book, which is disturbing, I think the author has to come out and say exactly what his stand on evil is," added the source.

Loneliest Vampire no Twilight says spokeperson

Stephenie Meyer condemns Loneliest Vampire said a spokesperson who may or may not be employed by Meyers. According to the source Meyers derided the soon to be released novel, saying it has no melodrama, no stilted, wooden prose and the vampires in it are kind of icky. Plus, she added, what's up with the stupid cat?