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Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Zombie attack II

Apparently my last post on how to survive a zombie apocalypse was not informative enough and people deprived of their weekly The Walking dead fix suddenly fill my inbox with increasingly inane questions.

Number one on that list is: Hey Alan do you think they'll be slow or fast zombies?

Uh, slow, duh. fast zombies are an invention of Hollywood (and how often do they get it right?) You think you can take away almost complete brain function AND then sprint like an Olympic athlete, sure.
The danger from zombies isn't that they're fast it's that they are mindless and therefore relentless in their need to devour human flesh. Really people I need to tell you this?

Next up: But what about my friends and family, how do I make sure they'll be okay?

Jeesh, youse people. Look it's the zombie apocalypse not a family reunion. As C. Montgomery Burns once said, "family and friends are the demons you have to slay if you want to get ahead in business." Same goes for surviving the zombie apocalypse.

Or how about this poor misguided fool: Don't you think the government has some sort of contingency plan in case of a zombie apocalypse?

Oh boy where to begin with that one. First off half the people working in government are already zombies (the other half are vampires). And if they're not they're as likely to share any 'contingency plan' with John Q. Public as they were all those flying saucers that crashed in new Mexico in the 1940s and 50s.

However amongst the dross were a few pertinent questions such as: So the world as we know it has come to an end, what do I look for in fellow survivors to team up with?

Well for starters my pragmatic friend you've got the right attitude you'll go far with that sort of thinking. As to the specifics of your question, teaming up with fellow survivors is indeed a quandary.
For starters at first glance you may write off the older, heavy set fellow as dead weight. But what if he turns out to be a skilled surgeon, damned handy to have around don't you think?
On the other hand there's certainly the temptation to save the hot girl, but what about when her heels break and she whines incessantly about the lack of spa service? All of a sudden saving the damsel in distress doesn't seem like such a great idea.
Of course there are also big biker types who might seem like they'd be good to have in a fight, but let's face it they're almost as slow as zombies and when the action's quiet they'll make your life hell.
No what you want is one of those middle age handy-man types, you know the ones that always have a tool belt on and love to fix things and be helpful. Or a young idealistic doctor (male or female) who place a high value on human life and will work to create a functioning society. Also extreme marathon types are good, they're quiet and introspective but obviously have lots of stamina and are used to going long periods with few creature comforts.
Scientists can be handy as well, especially chemists who can do things like make batteries from scratch and teach you how to make fuel from corn. But beware anyone in environmental science they're really just tree huggers with advanced degrees and might feel killing zombies is morally wrong or something nonsensical like that. Plus they'll always argue against jumping in the Hummer and insist on looking for a Prius to make your getaway in endangering your party for the sake of environmental purity. On the plus side if you have to choose someone to be zombie bait so you can get away, well it makes for an easy decision.

Okay can you figure out the rest from here, I've got better things to do you know.


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