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Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Top 5 ways to avoid the undead

Like you when I watch horror movies it's hard for me not to get annoyed at the stupid things people do in the name of keeping the plot going.
Frankly most of their actions are so completely retarded that I cheer for their demise rather than gasp in horror (as some of you did just now when I used the word retarded).
However in the real world there's no need for you or anyone else to keep the story moving for 90 minutes. So just in case your wits have been dulled from years of bad cinema here's a primer on what not to do when faced with the undead and/or things that go bump in the night that are in fact axe wielding maniacs.

1: Don't go in the attic or into the cellar. There's a reason we stuff things we don't want into the dark corners of our basements and attics, it's dark and creepy up/down there and therefore no one's going to go rummaging through your junk. So if you here a strange noise down/up there it's someone/something that likes dark and creepy spaces and that means someone/something you don't want to meet.

2: Don't go walking in a graveyard after nightfall. Does this really need explanation?

3: Don't be a hero. Women want to be treated equally right? great let them fend off the zombies, vampires, axe wielding maniacs while you put some space between you and the aforementioned killers. Also remember kids are tossable, as in they can be tossed in the way of the marauding undead to slow them down or divert them while you escape...oh come on, it's not like little Jimmy or Jane were going to grow up and cure cancer or anything.

4: Always try to be heavily armed. Remember Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver, remember how he had like six guns concealed on his person. Learn from his example, except you'll have to be a little more creative, wooden spikes, silver throwing stars, holy water hand grenades that sort of thing, but then again a trusty .44 magnum doesn't hurt either.

5: Have a dog. Dogs are the best alarm system in the world because late at night they will bark at anything that isn't you. If you're not expecting an old friend to drop by at 3 am  chances are Fido is barking at the approaching undead, so arm yourself, shield yourself with a half asleep child or your feminist girlfriend and what ever you do don't go into the attic or down into the cellar.

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