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Thursday, 2 June 2011

Top 10 worst vampires

To maintain the yin and yang of the universe here as a counterpoint to the top ten are the top ten worst vampires ever to appear in popular culture.
#1 Robert Pattison as Edward Cullen, ummm, does this really need an explanation?
#2 Gary Oldman as Dracula, acting next to Keanu Reeves will make anyone look good, but this is the worst version of Dracula ever performed, despite Francis Ford Coppola's direction and those cool shades.
#3 John C. Reilly as Larten Crepsley in The Vampire's Assistant. John, John, John we have always been such big fans of your work, until this sad excuse for a film came along.
#4 Angie Everhart as Lilith in Bordello of Blood. The good thing about this film is Dennis Miller was still funny back in the mid-90s. Everything else, especially Everhart as the Lilith really, really sucked and not in the good vampire way.
#5 George Hamilton as Dracula in Love at First Bite.A vampire with a suntan, they didn't really think that one through did they? As bad as Hamilton is in this 1979 comedy, Oldman still gets our vote for worst Dracula portrayal.
#6 Langley Kirkwood as Count Orlock in Dracula 3000. It's called Dracula 3000 so really what would you expect? But just the same as low as most people would set the bar on this one Kirkwood could still get under it.
#7 Chris Sarandon as Jerry Dandrige in the original Fright Night. This 1985 B movie wasn't actually that bad (which we presume is why they're releasing a remake) but Sarandon's disco lovin', gold medallioned , greasy looking, womanizing vampire held this movie back. Even if he could hypnotize women we still don't believe they'd go for him.
#8 Shane Brolly as Kraven in Underworld. As much as we like kate Beckinsale in PVC, we couldn't stand Brolly's performance, which consisted of him snarling ever bit of his dialogue. We imagine he thought that made him look menacing, we thought it just made him look pre-menstrual.
#9 Aaliyah as Queen Akasha in Queen of the Damned. Yeah this movie just pretty much sucked, also not in the good vampire way (we know same bad pun twice, but we don't care).
#10 Stuart Townsend as Lestat De Lioncourt in Queen of the Damned (see above). 

1 comment:

  1. 'Good vs Bad' happens because there are two major varieties of life-eater, the 'NOBLE' strain and their coarser 'NOXIOUS' brethren. The former attempt to follow an angelic (though of death) path, while the later stumble through creation like slobbering tasmainian devils. The vampires I deal with possess an ancient, vellum manuscript of La Ciencia Vampirismo, so we're privy to a lot of cool stuff.