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Thursday, 31 May 2012

The truth behind Abraham Lincoln Vampire Slayer

Was the U.S.A's 16th president secretly a vampire hunter? Is the burning question on many people's minds as the release of the movie Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter draws (based on the novel of the same name) near.

The answer - a definite maybe.

According to our resident vampire expert Stanley the self styled Loneliest Vampire, who while a vampire himself is no stranger to vampire hunting, says the legends about Honest Abe have been with us for sometime.

"This all goes back before even my time (early 20th Century)," says Stanley, "but I've certainly been hearing about ol' Abe and his trusty axe for for as long as I can remember."

But how close to the truth do the book and film come?

"The stories I heard didn't come close to what's portrayed in the movie, I mean if you really want an accurate vampire story read The Loneliest Vampire but just the same there's no doubt he did battle a few of those early American vampires and they were tough hombres. Not like today with all of the Gucci wearing 'sparkling' type vamps you see walking around."

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Top 5 ways to avoid the undead

Like you when I watch horror movies it's hard for me not to get annoyed at the stupid things people do in the name of keeping the plot going.
Frankly most of their actions are so completely retarded that I cheer for their demise rather than gasp in horror (as some of you did just now when I used the word retarded).
However in the real world there's no need for you or anyone else to keep the story moving for 90 minutes. So just in case your wits have been dulled from years of bad cinema here's a primer on what not to do when faced with the undead and/or things that go bump in the night that are in fact axe wielding maniacs.

1: Don't go in the attic or into the cellar. There's a reason we stuff things we don't want into the dark corners of our basements and attics, it's dark and creepy up/down there and therefore no one's going to go rummaging through your junk. So if you here a strange noise down/up there it's someone/something that likes dark and creepy spaces and that means someone/something you don't want to meet.

2: Don't go walking in a graveyard after nightfall. Does this really need explanation?

3: Don't be a hero. Women want to be treated equally right? great let them fend off the zombies, vampires, axe wielding maniacs while you put some space between you and the aforementioned killers. Also remember kids are tossable, as in they can be tossed in the way of the marauding undead to slow them down or divert them while you escape...oh come on, it's not like little Jimmy or Jane were going to grow up and cure cancer or anything.

4: Always try to be heavily armed. Remember Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver, remember how he had like six guns concealed on his person. Learn from his example, except you'll have to be a little more creative, wooden spikes, silver throwing stars, holy water hand grenades that sort of thing, but then again a trusty .44 magnum doesn't hurt either.

5: Have a dog. Dogs are the best alarm system in the world because late at night they will bark at anything that isn't you. If you're not expecting an old friend to drop by at 3 am  chances are Fido is barking at the approaching undead, so arm yourself, shield yourself with a half asleep child or your feminist girlfriend and what ever you do don't go into the attic or down into the cellar.

Monday, 7 May 2012

Dark Shadows brings breaks vampire stereotype

Tim Burton's Dark Shadows film (based on the 1960s gothic comedy) debuts this week and thankfully none of the vampires in this movie sparkle, nor do they brood darkly or tear their shirts of and stand around looking like they're in a men's cologne ad.
No Dark Shadows (starring Johnny Depp as Barnabas Collins) is a refreshing return to the original dark over the top, campy fun. Showing the world that just because you're undead doesn't mean you have to be boring and endlessly introspective. In fact this movie reminds of another vampire story, a novel in fact, what's its name? Oh of course The Loneliest Vampire in NYC, if you like Dark Shadows you'll like the Loneliest Vampire and if you done't like Dark Shadows...I don't know, what are you a Quaker or something?