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Friday, 22 June 2012

The Zombie apocalypse is here! Here are 5 ways to survive it.

Well another deranged homeless man was found munching on a random passerby in Florida. The attacker was described as slow moving, unintelligible with a ravenous appetite for human flesh.

Come on people who are we kidding here? The zombies are rising, tell me the recent attacks don't sound like the opening to the latest George A. Romero opus. So do you want to bury your head in the sand until the undead hordes are banging at your door or do you want to be proactive and be prepared for the coming undead world order?

Obviously you chose the latter since that means A not only a chance at surviving but also B the opportunity to kill zombies.

So here's what you need to do, don't take the following advice lightly, it can save your life and the lives of all those you hold dear.

#1 Get a 4x4 truck. I know people expect get a weapon first or get food supplies first, but they'd be wrong, get your means of escape organized first, and it should be a sturdy 4x4 that can hold lots of supplies. Preferably a diesel, since you're going to need the fuel mileage (don't forget to get lots of fuel gerry cans you're going to need those too). "What about a Prius I hear they get great mileage?" Some of you might ask, and to you I say just put a bullet in your head now it will be faster. A Prius, are you fucking kidding me? You're going to go home and say, "hey honey it's the end of the world but it's okay I got a Prius." Is that what you're going to tell your wife, the mother of your children? No of course not you're going to tell her you ditched the minivan and picked up a Range Rover Defender then you're going to tell her to get her cute ass moving because you guys are gettin' the hell out of Dodge, while the gettin's good, then worked the pump action on your shot gun just for effect.

#2 Of course in order to work the pump action on your shot gun, you need to posses a shot gun first. Shot guns are the best firearm when it comes to zombie home defense, they don't have to be pump action, but how are you going to do those cool one handed cocks if it's a semi-automatic? That's right and you know you want to, because even though she's a chick Linda Hamilton looked totally badass doing it in Terminator 2. And since it's the end of the world as we know it you definitely want to look somewhat badass.
Other good weapon choices are lever action carbines, a good 7mm rifle (good flat trajectory) and a colt python or other high caliber revolver. But don't just rely on firearms, they run out of ammo and noise attracts more zombies. You definitely need lots of blunt force or edged weapons: spiked baseball bats, hatches, axes, sharpened spades, tire irons, machetes and if you know how to use one, a sword.
Also don't forget alternative projectile weapons: spearguns, throwing stars, heavy spikes and of course a crossbow and/or composite bow.

#3 Food and supplies this one is pretty simple - go to camping store, but as much freeze dried food as you can. Then go to the store and buy as many can goods or anything dry that just requires (at the most) adding water. You're also going to need camp stoves (get lots of extra propane) flashlights, lanterns, solar powered battery chargers (portable solar panels not a bad idea, just don't get a freaking Prius dumbass), portable generators and lots and lots of containers for holding water. When the apocalypse hits you're suddenly going to find out that now that you can longer pick up a bottle of water at the local store or even turn on the tap water is going to be a pretty precious commodity. Let me put this in perspective, you can survive a month easy without food, you won't survive much longer than three days without water. And let me tell you, running from zombies is a good way to get dehydrated fast.
And lastly don't forget lots and lots of seeds. That's right, eventually things will settle down and you're going to want something that isn't freeze dried or canned and there will only be one option, grow it yourself, so seeds will be very handy.

#4 Hideout, so you got your getaway vehicle, you're heavily armed and well supplied but where ya going to run to, huh, where? First of all, no brainer, you want to get out of a city. Obviously the more concentrated the population the more infected there will be. Also conventional wisdom holds that zombies do worse in the cold and since this outbreak is beginning in Miami it looks like there's some truth to that, so head north.
Ideally you want a heavily constructed log cabin on top of a grassy hill with good views in all directions. wait let me rephrase that, ideally you want a castle with sheer 30 foot thick rock walls with a moat around it and a heavy iron gate for an entrance, but barring that take the log cabin. can't find a log cabin take a remote farmhouse or if you're lucky a lighthouse or if you're really lucky, one of those houses built into an old water tower or alternatively one of those homes built out of an old missile silo (seriously they're out there, but the people that build those sorts of homes are serious about survival so probably really well armed).

#5 Who to take? This can be a tough one if you're not a complete misanthrope like myself. For me the decision is easy, I'll take my trusty dog (because there's know better alarm system and he never interrupts me). If anyone else wants a lift in my well provisioned range rover and a bunk in my secret hideaway they better offer up something more than love, affection and familial relations.
If you're a guy you need to be physically fit, able to shoot and smart enough not to get me killed but dumb enough to take orders. If you're a woman...well just add all the above plus attractiveness and you're in (homemaking skills wouldn't hurt either).

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Did Abraham Lincoln kill all the vampires?

A couple of weeks back we talked with Stanley, the so-called Loneliest Vampire [in NYC] about Abraham Lincoln, his vampire killing days and where truth departed from Hollywood fantasy.

Today we're going to touch on that some more and more importantly who else in America's past was an unsung vampire slayer?

Blogger: So Stanley have you seen the movie yet?

Stanley: I haven't but I probably will, I've always liked going to the movies, I guess you could say there's a lot that appeals to being in a darkened theatre for vampires.

Blogger: What are your expectations for the movie based on Abraham Lincoln's turn as a vampire slayer?

Stanley: I just hope it's an entertaining movie, I don't have a lot of expectations in terms of historical accuracy. I know there's talk about a vast vampire conspiracy, which, okay sure there's vampires that go in for politics but they're not as organized as this movie, I think portrays them.

Blogger: Wasn't your nemesis, Doyle, an original 'New World' vampire and known to be part of several conspiracies to put vampires in control?

Stanley: He was, possibly still is, depending on where he is, and it would have made my life a lot easier if Lincoln had gotten around to killing him. But Doyle was part of the Tammany Hall vampires and Lincoln was definitely concentrating on clearing out the south. Many of the vampires from that era came in with the French and Spanish through Florida and Louisiana.

Blogger: When you say that era, what do you mean exactly?

Stanley: The vampires Lincoln was killing most of them were early European explorers and settlers who were turned by ancient South American or North American Indian vampires in the 15th and 16th Centuries so they were between 300 and 100 year old vampires by the time Lincoln got around to dealing with them.

Blogger: And Doyle?

Stanley: His origins are unclear but the feeling is he was also created by an Indian vampire, possibly he was one a member of the Roanoke Colony, the Lost Colony. So similar beginnings to Lincoln's vampires but now he's over 500 years old. Although he's unusual these days, most vampires now date from the late 19th to early 20th century.

Blogger: Are there certain epochs when most vampires are created?

Stanley: There are. I've named two, there was another on in the late 18th century. Why it happens this way it's hard to say but I suppose it's when some of the more ancient vampires get close to dying out and decide they better create more. Also there are vampire leaders that come around from time to time who try to create their own legions for their own nefarious ends, however, so far, it's never worked out quite they way they wanted.

Blogger: What about the other famous (for other reasons) vampire slayers?

Stanley: Well perhaps two of the greatest was the team of Wyatt Earp and Doc,Holiday people just have know idea how bad the vampire problem was in the old west. Everything west of the Rockies might have been one big vampire colony if not for those two and a few others like them.

Blogger: Anyone else?

Stanley: Mark Twain.

Blogger: Really?

Stanley: Yes it was back in his San Francisco newspaper days. Of course San Francisco went through a terrible vampire problem during the god rush days, so Mark Twain was pretty instrumental in fighting that.

Blogger: Funny he never wrote about it.

Stanley: I guess he figured no one would believe it.

Blogger: How about a little closer to home?

Stanley: Well here's one a lot of people don't know about and one I actually had the pleasure of meeting, John Dillinger.

Blogger: You're kidding?!

Stanley: I kid you not, he was big into killing vampires, yes he robbed a few banks here and there, but mainly he liked killing vampires.

Blogger: So how did you meet him?

Stanley: He tried to kill me. Fortunately I got the jump on him and convinced him I wasn't part of the vampire establishment, we ended up having a loose working relationship, good guy. sadly Hoover and the vampire establishment hunted him down and killed him.

Blogger: J. Edgar Hoover worked with the vampires?

Stanley: That surprises you?

That was all we had time for unfortunately, but check back soon and we'll have more about Stanley's reminisces on the vampire world and those who fight them. In the meantime check out his own adventures in 'The Loneliest Vampire in NYC'  at, also, as well as iBooks.