Loneliest Vampire the play

This is an abbreviated version of the play that eventually became The Loneliest Vampire in NYC the novel. I wrote it for the Here Be Monsters Festival last fall and thought I might expand it as I did Night of the B Movie, but there was just way too much I wanted to do with the character of Stanley and the other characters I wanted to add. Stanley in the play is a lot more bloodthirsty than in the novel and the Girl (Anika Andrews in the book) would never ask Stanley or anyone to kill her ex-boyfriend. Although Chet does make an appearance in the novel.

The Loneliest Vampire in NYC

By Alan Forsythe

Bare stage, implied quiet street in Manhattan. A girl sits on a bench reading a book. It is one of the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyers.

Enter Stanley a vampire.

STANLEY: Yes I am a Vampire, I just like to get that out of the way up front to avoid any awkwardness. So now of course you’re all thinking I’m going to swoop down and devour that girl over there. But you’d be wrong, what I’d really like to do is go over there chat her up a bit and get a phone number or maybe we could be facebook friends. Then maybe we could grab a coffee sometime and she could get to know the real me.

Girl flips page of book, Stanley paces a bit.

STANLEY: Okay I confess that seems a little desperate, especially for a vampire. But I tell you, it’s not easy being basically immortal and having no social life. There are vampires out there living the good life, keeping up the whole sex crazed vampire image. I’m just not one of them. And you know who I blame for my misfortune – HBO and fucking Stephanie Meyers. Thanks to True Blood, Twilight and a couple of other unrealistic portrayals of vampires I’m constantly being compared to brooding teenagers.

Girl flips another page, Stanley paces some more.

STANLEY: It get’s a little depressing, I know brain dead zombies that have more of a social life than me, and seriously, why do brain dead zombies even need a social life?

GIRL: Hey mister can you stop muttering over there I’m trying to read.

Stanley walks over to the girl.

STANLEY: Hi.

Girl looks up, a little distracted.

GIRL: Uh, yeah, hi.

STANLEY: You don’t find me to possess a certain hypnotic attraction?

Girl looks up again.

GIRL: More like a certain hypnotic repulsion.

STANLEY: Oh come on that’s harsh.

GIRL: Hey mister I’m just trying to read here.

STANLEY: Yes I see, Twilight, which is about vampires, so aren’t you, well intrigued by me?

Girl looks up again and gives Stanley the once over indifferently.

GIRL: No should I be?

STANLEY: Well I am a vampire, or as I prefer vampyre, the Nosferatu.

The girl gives Stanley a more careful appraisal.

GIRL: Mmmmmm, no.

STANLEY: No, what do you mean no?

GIRL: You’re not a vampire or vampyr or whatever.

STANLEY: I assure you I am.

GIRL: Sure, have it your way.

She goes back to her book.

STANLEY: Now you’re just humouring me.

GIRL: (without looking up) Basically.

STANLEY: You know I am a dark creature of the night, I could drain your blood and make you my undead slave.

Girl looks up.

GIRL: So does that line work a lot?

STANLEY: I’m just saying is all. One would think one would be a little more impressed when confronted with a vampire.

GIRL: One would wouldn’t one.

STANLEY: That’s right. Wait, I lost track who are we talking about now?

GIRL: (exasperated) Heavy sigh.

STANLEY: heavy sigh?

GIRL: Yes heavy sigh, as in I’m extremely bored. Oh my God!

The girl suddenly lifts her book in front of her face.

STANLEY: What’s wrong?

GIRL: It’s that asshole Chet, I don’t want him to see me (beat) talking with you.

STANLEY: Well why do you care if he’s an asshole?

GIRL: Just never mind, he’s a prick and I hate him.

STANLEY: You know if you want I could drain his jugular and leave him face down in a gutter for the rats to pick over his corpse.

The girl lowers her book, suddenly interested.

GIRL: Really, you’d do that for me?

STANLEY: Sure, why not, besides, I’m feeling a tad peckish.

GIRL: Well okay, I mean only if it’s no big deal or anything.

STANLEY: It’s no problem at all. I’ll be right back, don’t go anywhere.

Stanley walks off stage.

STANLEY: (OS) Hey are you Chet?

CHET: (OS) Uh, yeah, who the fuck are you?

Suddenly they are blood curdling screams from off stage. The Girl watches onstage from her bench.

Stanley re-enters, his shirt and face now stained heavily with blood. He approaches the Girl.

STANLEY: Well, mission accomplished.

The Girl looks off stage and then up at Stanley, now with some awe.

GIRL: Yeah, that was cool, you totally just killed him.

STANLEY: I am a vampire after all.

GIRL: Yeah you are, wow that’s neat.

STANLEY: Soooo, anyway, would you like to get a coffee or something?

GIRL: Uh, yeah, why not.

She gathers up her things and takes Stanley’s arm, and they walk off together.

GIRL: So do you have your own coffin and everything?

STANLEY: It’s more of a wooden box really, but I’m fixing it up, it’s you know, rustic.

They exit.

Lights down