Walking Dead Season 5 - this time it's personal

So season five of The Walking Dead premiered last night and can I just say, holy twisted cannibals Batman!

We knew at the end of season four the Rick's merry band of zombie killers had wandered into a compound of cannibals (not for the long hoped for sanctuary) but knowing it and seeing their human cattle processing are two different things.

In a scene that may be the most disturbing thing ever shown on network TV (okay basic cable) the first five minutes of the season five were riveting, and the pace barely let up from there.

However it begs the question, where does the series go from here? There seemed to be some ambiguity about getting the man with the cure, Eugene Porter, to Washington D.C.

Although to my mind that seems a little contrived, after all, zombie plague - oh here's the guy with the cure, lets gist him to Washington - what exactly is the debate there?

Well, I guess the answer is who really cares as long as they keep dishing up episodes like last night's.

Zombie attack II

Apparently my last post on how to survive a zombie apocalypse was not informative enough and people deprived of their weekly The Walking dead fix suddenly fill my inbox with increasingly inane questions.

Number one on that list is: Hey Alan do you think they'll be slow or fast zombies?

Uh, slow, duh. fast zombies are an invention of Hollywood (and how often do they get it right?) You think you can take away almost complete brain function AND then sprint like an Olympic athlete, sure.
The danger from zombies isn't that they're fast it's that they are mindless and therefore relentless in their need to devour human flesh. Really people I need to tell you this?

Next up: But what about my friends and family, how do I make sure they'll be okay?

Jeesh, youse people. Look it's the zombie apocalypse not a family reunion. As C. Montgomery Burns once said, "family and friends are the demons you have to slay if you want to get ahead in business." Same goes for surviving the zombie apocalypse.

Or how about this poor misguided fool: Don't you think the government has some sort of contingency plan in case of a zombie apocalypse?

Oh boy where to begin with that one. First off half the people working in government are already zombies (the other half are vampires). And if they're not they're as likely to share any 'contingency plan' with John Q. Public as they were all those flying saucers that crashed in new Mexico in the 1940s and 50s.

However amongst the dross were a few pertinent questions such as: So the world as we know it has come to an end, what do I look for in fellow survivors to team up with?

Well for starters my pragmatic friend you've got the right attitude you'll go far with that sort of thinking. As to the specifics of your question, teaming up with fellow survivors is indeed a quandary.
For starters at first glance you may write off the older, heavy set fellow as dead weight. But what if he turns out to be a skilled surgeon, damned handy to have around don't you think?
On the other hand there's certainly the temptation to save the hot girl, but what about when her heels break and she whines incessantly about the lack of spa service? All of a sudden saving the damsel in distress doesn't seem like such a great idea.
Of course there are also big biker types who might seem like they'd be good to have in a fight, but let's face it they're almost as slow as zombies and when the action's quiet they'll make your life hell.
No what you want is one of those middle age handy-man types, you know the ones that always have a tool belt on and love to fix things and be helpful. Or a young idealistic doctor (male or female) who place a high value on human life and will work to create a functioning society. Also extreme marathon types are good, they're quiet and introspective but obviously have lots of stamina and are used to going long periods with few creature comforts.
Scientists can be handy as well, especially chemists who can do things like make batteries from scratch and teach you how to make fuel from corn. But beware anyone in environmental science they're really just tree huggers with advanced degrees and might feel killing zombies is morally wrong or something nonsensical like that. Plus they'll always argue against jumping in the Hummer and insist on looking for a Prius to make your getaway in endangering your party for the sake of environmental purity. On the plus side if you have to choose someone to be zombie bait so you can get away, well it makes for an easy decision.

Okay can you figure out the rest from here, I've got better things to do you know.

  

What to do in case of a zombie attack

The Walking Dead had its season finale on Sunday and if the Mad Men hiatus is anything to go by AMC won't get it back on the air until sometime in 2015. So that is kind of a bummer and yes I know there's the graphic novel, but once you've started watching the show it's really not the same thing. 

Then, and how's this for irony, there's the possibility of a zombie apocalypse between now and then, which means we'll never find out what happens to the survivors of the zombie apocalypse as portrayed in The Walking Dead...and there would be a real zombie apocalypse to deal with, even more of a bummer (or possibly your dream come true depending on your world view and/or socio-economic standing.

Ok no more The Walking Dead and legions of undead pounding on your door, what to do?

First of all if you're a fan of The Walking Dead then why have you allowed yourself to be ambushed by a bunch of damn zombies? Just because your favourite show is off the air for an indeterminate amount of time and the world as you know has come to and end is no reason to throw caution to the wind.

Well let's back up a bit. With AMC's hit series The Walking Dead off the air you've got time to take care of real world problems and prepare yourself for the coming zombie hordes, so you don't wake up one morning to find yourself breakfast for the undead.

First of all if it's not already make sure your door is made of reenforced steel and make sure your windows are covered by iron bars. The neighbours may laugh and say they're ugly but who'll be laughing when their craniums are appetizers at the zombie banquet - you that's who! 

You'll need food and water of course, so make sure to have several gallons of bottled water, energy bars and lots of Red Bull on hand (you may not have a lot of time to sleep in the early days of the apocalypse). Twinkies are no longer available (Hostess how could you) but there are other gas station snack cakes that have equally long shelf lives i.e. forever. Freeze dried meals are a must as well, but avoid can foods, to heavy and cumbersome, plus what if you lose your can opener then what? 

Of course weapons are important. Guns sure, a good reliable 12-guague and Colt Python .44 revolver are handy, but guns runout of ammo and then they're just paperweights plus gunfire attracts more zombies. In the end your firearms will most likely be needed most for keeping unwelcome human invaders at bay.

What you want is a nice long machete with a strong blade (for those all important skull cracking swings) and a good sized hatchet as back-up. Plus if we've learned nothing from The Walking Dead it's that a crossbow is indispensable. 

So you're stocked up with provisions and heavily armed. You've taken the proper precautions against being caught by surprise, but at some point you're going to need to bug out and head for the country. There's really only one choice for a zombie escape vehicle, a cold-forged Jeep YJ (with hard top of course). It doesn't have the mileage of diesel but when you're out on the highway looking for abandoned cars to siphon fuel from  you don't want to be looking for the one diesel car out of a hundred now do you?

There you have it, the complete zombie survival guide in less than 500 words. Now get out there and get ready for the apocalypse because you don't want to be the one others are laughing at as zombies dine on your small intestine do you?

Night of the B Movie coming soon!

Night of the B Movie is Rocky Horror Picture Show meets Ed Wood meets Taming of the Shrew. A musical black comedy with songs by famed Kitty Nights and Vancouver International Burlesque Festival producer Doug Thoms. Starring Matt Loop as the Mad Scientist, Lisa Ovies as the fan girl turned crime fighter, the legendary Jacque Lalonde as the evil henchman, Tristan Risk as the party girl turned interstellar traveler and last but certainly not least Teddy Kellogg as the man who needs no introduction, Flash Gordon.  

Night of the B Movie now in 3D!

Zombies, zombies everywhere

By Alan Forsythe

One summer weekend in 2001 in the city of Sacramento citizens were shocked to see decomposing humans shambling through the state capital of California. At first many thought George A. Romero’s classic horror sequel ‘Day of the Dead’ had come to life, but no, they were just witnessing the first Zombie Walk.

This weekend will see the living dead (or a reasonable facsimile there of) shambling through the streets of Vancouver. Starting at the Vancouver Art Gallery at 1 pm (Saturday Aug 20) thousands will begin their slow shuffling walk through downtown Vancouver.

However it’s not all about wearing death mask make-up, shambling walks and searching for fresh brains. In the over half decade that the Vancouver Zombie Walk has being going on it’s evolved into an entire weekend of festivities.

Most major North American cities have Zombie Walks every summer. Many started as flash mobs or still are somewhat spontaneous events. Vancouver however has embraced Zombiefication like no other city. Put it down to Vancouver’s growing culture of sub culture. It’s almost like the silent masses out there that were the denizens of the underground clubs and fetish nights have come out into the sunlight en masse for Zombie Walk. It’s, if we continue with that thesis, a sort of backlash against the beach loving, fitness crazed, puritanical West Coast ethos. The same ethos that tells us here in Lotus Land that we don’t need culture because we have the ocean and the mountains and damn it stop complaining and go for a bike ride.

But healthy living was never a substitute for art. And when there are no mainstream outlets (or very few) then underground outlets flourish in the vacuum.

Just ask burlesque dancer Tristan Risk.

“There’s sort of this collective unconscious of people who are into all things B Movie,” said Risk. She started incorporating zombie themes into her act almost from the beginning. She became known, along with the infamous Bloody Betty, as the chick who would take it a step beyond, doing things like pulling a blood covered brain from out of her beehive. “I once did a show and I was covered in so much blood that it was pouring down my legs. I thought if someone throws a tampon at me and it sticks to my leg that would be hysterical.”

So why blood and gore in the first place?

“There’s a lot of talent in Vancouver so I had to push the bar.  You show up as a zombie at an unexpected place and you give people a little slice of the surreal. My roommate doesn’t flinch anymore when she finds bloody body parts in the sink.”

Before they got together Risk made a point of seeing Bloody Betty’s shows whenever she was in town. Betty then became aware of Risk’s act and made it a point to catch as many shows of hers as she could.

“Finally she left the Rock (Victoria) and we lived happily ever after,” said Risk, and the two now generally tour together.

Why do a Zombie Walk in the middle of summer? Risk theorizes that Halloween is already for those who don’t usually dress up. “It’s an excuse for a lot of girls to be slutty who don’t otherwise do that. For me the Zombie Walk is my day to be gross and disgusting.”

As we noted the Zombie Walk isn’t just the Zombie Walk anymore. In fact the night of undead festivities begins the night before at the Rio Theatre (On Broadway at Commercial Drive) with the Undead on Film Film Fest.

Organizer Corrine Lea put out a call for five-minute zombie themed movies several months ago that would be judged by a panel of experts (her and the other movie nerds who work at the Rio). The idea was to pick the top ten. “We’ve had so many amazing submissions I think we may have to add another 10,” said Lea.

She is of course a big fan of zombie themed movies, and if she has to choose one she says she’d pick the one that started it all, George A. Romero’s, ‘Night of the Living Dead’ and the Rio will be playing the entire trio of Romero’s Zombie oeuvre on Sun, August 21. Lea is definitely old school when it comes to zombies, and said zombies are slow, shuffling and decaying, not sprinting jocks as some latter day zombie films portray them.

Risk agrees, citing 1980s B movie ‘Return of the Living Dead’ as her favourite zombie pic.

“I’m definitely not a fan of the young fit zombies you see these days. I mean where are the overweight asthmatic white trash zombies in those films?” Said Risk.

And if it’s your first time doing the zombie walk, Risk advises, “yes you’ll be hot and sticky so just embrace that. Also don’t hassle anyone and ruin it for the rest of us. Other than that come out and get your shamble on.”

Night of the B Movie

Night of the B Movie

Barnaby goes to what appears to be the door to the house/laboratory he opens it and Kimberly and Jennifer enter.

KIMBERLY: Hi, I’m Kimberly, this is Jennifer, Mike invited us, is that the DJ? (she points at the Mad Scientist) where is everyone, how come it’s so quiet? (to Barnaby) Hey cool retro outfit dude.

JENNIFER: Uh, Kimberly this clearly is not the party.

The Mad Scientist stands and walks over to the girls. Barnaby hovers.

MAD SCIENTIST: Well young lady you are half right, this isn’t the party you’re looking for but tonight there will be a celebration here nonetheless (beat) Yes that’ll do Barnaby.

Barnaby shuffles, drags himself to the other side of the stage.

KIMBERLY: His name’s Barnaby?

MAD SCIENTIST: Yes, is that a problem, not colourful enough for you, not ethnic enough perhaps, is that it, mmm?

KIMBERLY: No Barnaby’s cool. I just thought he looked more like an Igor.

MAD SCIENTIST: (disgusted) People! You’re all so tiresome, with your predictable assumptions.

KIMBERLY: God, you’re kind of a downer.

JENNIFER: (pushing Kimberly aside) Ya, ya, I know.  Barnaby’s great, I’m sure he’ll make some woman very happy someday, but what’s this about a celebration?

MAD SCIENTIST: Ah ha, I see now who the brains of the two are.

JENNIFER: Yes and the looks and talent.

KIMBERLY: Excuse me?

JENNIFER: So you were saying?

MAD SCIENTIST: Yes I’m so glad you asked.

BARNABY: (makes loud wailing noise).

MAD SCIENTIST: (to Barnaby) Yes, yes I know you’re excited, but just the same I think it would go better if I explained Barnaby. (to the girls). He’s very eager because tonight of all nights is the night of, dramatic pause, The B Movie!

Thunder clap and lightning flash.

Zombies versus vampires

By Alan Forsythe

The two biggest fears in our post-millenial age, based on popular culture, apparently are the zombie apocalypse and vampires (I guess we have nothing else to worry about in today's society).
So who wins in a battle between zombies and vampires? And don't kid yourself vampires would be fighting zombies right along with us, they would be our greatest ally (in the event of the aforementioned zombie apocalypse).
Why? Well surely it's obvious, if the world is taken over by zombies what the hell do the vampires do, not much fun for them. And if they fed on zombies would their be zombie vampires, damn straight there would be (you would have to stake them and cut of their head).
So who wins between zombies and vampires, well let's just hope it doesn't come to that, just the same zombie versus vampire, mmmmm......