Top 5 ways to avoid the undead

Like you when I watch horror movies it's hard for me not to get annoyed at the stupid things people do in the name of keeping the plot going.
Frankly most of their actions are so completely retarded that I cheer for their demise rather than gasp in horror (as some of you did just now when I used the word retarded).
However in the real world there's no need for you or anyone else to keep the story moving for 90 minutes. So just in case your wits have been dulled from years of bad cinema here's a primer on what not to do when faced with the undead and/or things that go bump in the night that are in fact axe wielding maniacs.

1: Don't go in the attic or into the cellar. There's a reason we stuff things we don't want into the dark corners of our basements and attics, it's dark and creepy up/down there and therefore no one's going to go rummaging through your junk. So if you here a strange noise down/up there it's someone/something that likes dark and creepy spaces and that means someone/something you don't want to meet.

2: Don't go walking in a graveyard after nightfall. Does this really need explanation?

3: Don't be a hero. Women want to be treated equally right? great let them fend off the zombies, vampires, axe wielding maniacs while you put some space between you and the aforementioned killers. Also remember kids are tossable, as in they can be tossed in the way of the marauding undead to slow them down or divert them while you escape...oh come on, it's not like little Jimmy or Jane were going to grow up and cure cancer or anything.

4: Always try to be heavily armed. Remember Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver, remember how he had like six guns concealed on his person. Learn from his example, except you'll have to be a little more creative, wooden spikes, silver throwing stars, holy water hand grenades that sort of thing, but then again a trusty .44 magnum doesn't hurt either.

5: Have a dog. Dogs are the best alarm system in the world because late at night they will bark at anything that isn't you. If you're not expecting an old friend to drop by at 3 am  chances are Fido is barking at the approaching undead, so arm yourself, shield yourself with a half asleep child or your feminist girlfriend and what ever you do don't go into the attic or down into the cellar.

Dark Shadows brings breaks vampire stereotype

Tim Burton's Dark Shadows film (based on the 1960s gothic comedy) debuts this week and thankfully none of the vampires in this movie sparkle, nor do they brood darkly or tear their shirts of and stand around looking like they're in a men's cologne ad.
No Dark Shadows (starring Johnny Depp as Barnabas Collins) is a refreshing return to the original dark over the top, campy fun. Showing the world that just because you're undead doesn't mean you have to be boring and endlessly introspective. In fact this movie reminds of another vampire story, a novel in fact, what's its name? Oh of course The Loneliest Vampire in NYC, if you like Dark Shadows you'll like the Loneliest Vampire and if you done't like Dark Shadows...I don't know, what are you a Quaker or something?

The Loneliest Vampire blog: Hunger Games and the modern Vampire

The Loneliest Vampire blog: Hunger Games and the modern Vampire: With the huge success of the new Hunger Games movie over the weekend we thought we'd sit down and chat with Sylvna the villian/heroine (depe...

Hunger Games and the modern Vampire

With the huge success of the new Hunger Games movie over the weekend we thought we'd sit down and chat with Sylvna the villian/heroine (depending on the universe she's occupying) of The Loneliest Vampire in NYC and get her take on the whole girls/women kicking ass phenomenon.

LVB: So first off have you seen the movie, read the book or both?

Sylvna: Both, I liked them. My only criticism is that Katniss chick needs to up her game a bit.

LVB: How so?

Sylvna: She's wayyyy to nice or good or whatever you want to call it. She kind of waits around for everyone else to make a mistake, which is great if you get lucky, but I think at some point you got to start   impaling people.

LVB: But isn't the point that she's not evil, she's trying to preserve her humanity in the face of a barbaric game?

Sylvna: I guess, whatever. I'd rather just tear out a few hearts and get back to shopping.

LVB: You say that but what would the 'good' Sylvna say?

Sylvna: What are you talking about, I am good, I'm not that evil bitch running around Manhattan. is that who you thought I was?

LVB: Well you two do look a lot alike.

Sylvna: Hardly, for starters she dresses like a complete skank, whereas I never step outside unless fashionably attired. Plus what's with that hair?

LVB: What you mean how it changes colour?

Sylvna: Yes, it's weird, you'll note I'm consistently blond even when my mood changes, unlike that other freak.

LVB: Uh...touche.

Sylvna: Not to mention she's a complete sociopath, God I can't believe you mixed us up!

LVB: You're not going to kill us are you?

Sylvna: No I'm not, because I'm good, good people don't go around putting their hands through the chest cavity of lazy journalists who can't be bothered to do a little pre-interview research.

LVB: That's a relief. So what's next for the Good Sylvna?

Sylvna: I might take up archery, it looks like fun.

Zombie attack II

Apparently my last post on how to survive a zombie apocalypse was not informative enough and people deprived of their weekly The Walking dead fix suddenly fill my inbox with increasingly inane questions.

Number one on that list is: Hey Alan do you think they'll be slow or fast zombies?

Uh, slow, duh. fast zombies are an invention of Hollywood (and how often do they get it right?) You think you can take away almost complete brain function AND then sprint like an Olympic athlete, sure.
The danger from zombies isn't that they're fast it's that they are mindless and therefore relentless in their need to devour human flesh. Really people I need to tell you this?

Next up: But what about my friends and family, how do I make sure they'll be okay?

Jeesh, youse people. Look it's the zombie apocalypse not a family reunion. As C. Montgomery Burns once said, "family and friends are the demons you have to slay if you want to get ahead in business." Same goes for surviving the zombie apocalypse.

Or how about this poor misguided fool: Don't you think the government has some sort of contingency plan in case of a zombie apocalypse?

Oh boy where to begin with that one. First off half the people working in government are already zombies (the other half are vampires). And if they're not they're as likely to share any 'contingency plan' with John Q. Public as they were all those flying saucers that crashed in new Mexico in the 1940s and 50s.

However amongst the dross were a few pertinent questions such as: So the world as we know it has come to an end, what do I look for in fellow survivors to team up with?

Well for starters my pragmatic friend you've got the right attitude you'll go far with that sort of thinking. As to the specifics of your question, teaming up with fellow survivors is indeed a quandary.
For starters at first glance you may write off the older, heavy set fellow as dead weight. But what if he turns out to be a skilled surgeon, damned handy to have around don't you think?
On the other hand there's certainly the temptation to save the hot girl, but what about when her heels break and she whines incessantly about the lack of spa service? All of a sudden saving the damsel in distress doesn't seem like such a great idea.
Of course there are also big biker types who might seem like they'd be good to have in a fight, but let's face it they're almost as slow as zombies and when the action's quiet they'll make your life hell.
No what you want is one of those middle age handy-man types, you know the ones that always have a tool belt on and love to fix things and be helpful. Or a young idealistic doctor (male or female) who place a high value on human life and will work to create a functioning society. Also extreme marathon types are good, they're quiet and introspective but obviously have lots of stamina and are used to going long periods with few creature comforts.
Scientists can be handy as well, especially chemists who can do things like make batteries from scratch and teach you how to make fuel from corn. But beware anyone in environmental science they're really just tree huggers with advanced degrees and might feel killing zombies is morally wrong or something nonsensical like that. Plus they'll always argue against jumping in the Hummer and insist on looking for a Prius to make your getaway in endangering your party for the sake of environmental purity. On the plus side if you have to choose someone to be zombie bait so you can get away, well it makes for an easy decision.

Okay can you figure out the rest from here, I've got better things to do you know.

  

What to do in case of a zombie attack

The Walking Dead had its season finale on Sunday and if the Mad Men hiatus is anything to go by AMC won't get it back on the air until sometime in 2015. So that is kind of a bummer and yes I know there's the graphic novel, but once you've started watching the show it's really not the same thing. 

Then, and how's this for irony, there's the possibility of a zombie apocalypse between now and then, which means we'll never find out what happens to the survivors of the zombie apocalypse as portrayed in The Walking Dead...and there would be a real zombie apocalypse to deal with, even more of a bummer (or possibly your dream come true depending on your world view and/or socio-economic standing.

Ok no more The Walking Dead and legions of undead pounding on your door, what to do?

First of all if you're a fan of The Walking Dead then why have you allowed yourself to be ambushed by a bunch of damn zombies? Just because your favourite show is off the air for an indeterminate amount of time and the world as you know has come to and end is no reason to throw caution to the wind.

Well let's back up a bit. With AMC's hit series The Walking Dead off the air you've got time to take care of real world problems and prepare yourself for the coming zombie hordes, so you don't wake up one morning to find yourself breakfast for the undead.

First of all if it's not already make sure your door is made of reenforced steel and make sure your windows are covered by iron bars. The neighbours may laugh and say they're ugly but who'll be laughing when their craniums are appetizers at the zombie banquet - you that's who! 

You'll need food and water of course, so make sure to have several gallons of bottled water, energy bars and lots of Red Bull on hand (you may not have a lot of time to sleep in the early days of the apocalypse). Twinkies are no longer available (Hostess how could you) but there are other gas station snack cakes that have equally long shelf lives i.e. forever. Freeze dried meals are a must as well, but avoid can foods, to heavy and cumbersome, plus what if you lose your can opener then what? 

Of course weapons are important. Guns sure, a good reliable 12-guague and Colt Python .44 revolver are handy, but guns runout of ammo and then they're just paperweights plus gunfire attracts more zombies. In the end your firearms will most likely be needed most for keeping unwelcome human invaders at bay.

What you want is a nice long machete with a strong blade (for those all important skull cracking swings) and a good sized hatchet as back-up. Plus if we've learned nothing from The Walking Dead it's that a crossbow is indispensable. 

So you're stocked up with provisions and heavily armed. You've taken the proper precautions against being caught by surprise, but at some point you're going to need to bug out and head for the country. There's really only one choice for a zombie escape vehicle, a cold-forged Jeep YJ (with hard top of course). It doesn't have the mileage of diesel but when you're out on the highway looking for abandoned cars to siphon fuel from  you don't want to be looking for the one diesel car out of a hundred now do you?

There you have it, the complete zombie survival guide in less than 500 words. Now get out there and get ready for the apocalypse because you don't want to be the one others are laughing at as zombies dine on your small intestine do you?

10 technologies vampires could use to lure their prey

Considering how profoundly it’s changed our lives, it’s small wonder that high tech has infiltrated the furthest reaches of society, and beyond. Consider the vampire. Once resigned to roaming the shadows in search of victims, save for the occasional flight of fancy in the form of a bat, these denizens of the dark no longer have to rely purely on pot luck for their dinners. There are at least 10 technologies that vampires can use to lure their prey: see link below



http://www.dslserviceproviders.org/blog/10-technologies-vampires-could-use-to-lure-their-prey/